It is 6:35am and I haven’t slept at all. My mind just won’t stop long enough for me to fall asleep. It’s not that I’m worried about anything, if anything, I have less overall to worry about lately. Maybe it is that this past couple of weeks have gone so well that I’m afraid I’m going to lose it all.
It’s those stupid, irrational, nagging things like the car I just bought will break down and cost a mint to repair. Or maybe something goes wrong with the move to the new place. The worse; what if she stops loving me?
I’ve had so many loses in my life, both parents, a sister, two marriages, jobs, love. It’s that last one that is the hardest to deal with and the hardest to get over. You would think that the death of a loved one would be the hardest, but death is a part of our existence and most of us instinctively know how to assimilate the lose of someone we love into our existence, even as intensely painful as it is. But love, that is the act of a huge part of yourself over to another. You trust that person with your emotions and your heart. When that is ripped away from you through betrayal or carelessness or thoughtlessness it utterly shatters your whole world. Your sense of safety, your sense of self-worth are crushed. It is by far the worse pain and profoundly deepest loss I have ever experienced in my life. So now, just the hint of the possibility of another loss like that creates an irrational, panic fueled fear. No amount of “looking at things rationally” can quell it. As I wrote in my new blog, “The problem is that love isn’t rational, it is emotional. It is one of the most powerful emotions any of us can ever know. Love is irrational by it’s very nature.”
I guess that’s why I take medication for anxiety and see a therapist. Why does it seem so hard to just accept the happiness I have without constantly worrying about losing it?
Maybe it’s the fact that I hardly slept the night before either. Maybe I’ve gotten so used to loss, hurt, and disappointment that I have forgotten how to allow myself to be happy. I think that may be it; I can’t ALLOW myself. In both marriages, love was conditional. There was always a price to be paid somehow. Something was always expected in return. When I love someone, I give my love, my heart if you will, unconditionally, totally, with never a thought of what I might get in return. Even after 18 stupid fucking years of this, I went into my second marriage and did the exact same thing! I can’t help it and I wouldn’t change that about me if I could. For me, love is something that has to be given freely simply because you love that person and want more than anything for them to be happy. But after over 20 years of being the one who gives everything; love, pleasure, sex, happiness, you name it; I feel so cheated.
Let me give you a very personal example. It involves sex. People somehow always separate love and sex in a relationship for some reason. Stupid. Sex is such a powerful act that when given freely can create an intimacy that almost nothing else can. But sex given conditionally, or sometimes not at all, creates emptiness and a very deep loneliness. That being said, let’s get to the example.
I have always been a very giving person sexually. I love to please the person I’m with more than anything. My problem with relationships is that I seem to have ended up with sexually greedy women. They take everything I give, but give so little in return. For some reason, both my wives seemed to think that the only real orgasm a man should have is during intercourse. Even though I gave them countless orgasms with mouth, tongue, fingers, hands, vibrators, dildos, and probably a few other ways I can’t even remember now, they gave almost nothing in return. I can honestly say, and I’ve thought about this a lot, that during the past 20 or so years, I only reached orgasm through means other than intercourse no more than 20 time. That’s once per year.
Why is this so important to me? Because I feel cheated. I accepted things as they were just assuming that if I just tried a little harder to please them, did just a little more to make them happy then maybe things would be different. Having someone you love be selfish with their intimacy, greedy with their sexuality is something that causes resentment and loneliness to slowly grow until you find yourself in bed with a virtual stranger. When you finally decide to just ask them to please you in a different way, you get resentment and grudging quiescence. Sex is no fun when your pleasure is treated as a chore.
Relationships are so fucking complicated, but I’ve always, and still do, approach them simply; give your love because you love them. Make them happy because seeing them happy makes me you happy. Unfortunately the women I’ve ended up with haven’t approached relationships that way. For them, it seems to have been what they can get from it. It is narcissism pure and simple.
That’s why I’m so hesitant and scared to date. That’s why even though I am loved unconditionally, I am in constant fear of losing that. That’s why I can’t sleep at night.
I’m going to try to sleep for a while now. I know life is good. I see things improving all around me and I am happier than I’ve been in decades. I’m also scared of losing it all, for no good reason at all. Right now I’m in tears, which doesn’t help me to write very well. I’m crying because I’m so happy that I love and I am loved, but I’m crying out of pure fear as well. Fuck me! When I think of pleasure and pain going together, this wasn’t quite what I had in mind. 😉