Dredging up Old Emotions

I posted the last post because it helps to put this one in context.

I’ve been dealing with my ex’s again, all in the same week. They are so full of themselves, and everything is always about them.  Dealing with them really brings up just how alone I’ve been for the past two decades.

My kids had appointments with their therapists yesterday.  Their mother (I use “mother” instead of “mom” here because, like the old saying about dads goes, anyone woman can be a mother, but it takes a special woman to be a mom) didn’t bother to tell me about the appointment until the afternoon before.  This meant I had to get up an hour earlier yesterday so I could get to work earlier, so that I could leave work early for the appointment.  I’m pretty sure she does things like this just to piss me off.

I got almost no sleep the night before the appointment so I was exhausted and already annoyed about the lack of warning about the appointment, when I started my day.  Adding to my mood is what happened the day before.

The kids had Monday and Tuesday off school.  On Monday, their mother came and got my daughter and took her to lunch and the mall.  When I got home that evening, my son asked me if I knew where his sister was so I told him that she was with his mother.  He got really upset.  They never even told him that they were going out.  Now, I don’t expect his sister to tell him because she is a bit selfish with the time she spends with her mother, but his mother had no excuse for not taking him with them.  This isn’t the first time it’s happened.  This is a regular occurrence.  I’ve talked to her about it before and she just gives bullshit excuses, like the narcissistic bitch she is.

By the time the appointment came around, I was even more tired, and all that much more pissed off.  As I was walking in, I see the kids and their mother; and the douche bag she is married to.  Fuck me!  Now I’m seriously pissed off.  This guy is the biggest scumbag I’ve ever seen.  I won’t go into all the reasons here, but he is a true piece of shit.  The fact that my kids spend any time with him at all galls me to no end.

The appointments went well.  As for the douchey duo, the only satisfaction I could take out of seeing them is that she said that she had the worse migraine that she’s ever had; small consolation.

I am not a person who gets resentful or plays the pity card.  I don’t like to wallow, but I can’t help feeling resentful when I see that cunt with her fuck face of a husband.  Why the fuck should they have each other when I have to deal with raising the kids alone and deal with everything alone?  I know, who ever said life was fair?   It sure as hell isn’t fair and it pisses me off.    Yesterday it pissed me off more than it ever has.

Yeah, I know I’m a good person; I’m a good dad; I was a good husband.  I’ve had more women than I can count tell me how nice and wonderful I am and how I’d make any woman happy (yeah, except them, of course!)  All that is well and good, but it gets me nothing.  Not. A.  Fucking.  Thing.   I’ve been told that I deserve better; I’ve been told that I deserve the best;  my response?:  Yeah? So fucking what?  That cunt and her fuck-face husband deserve to live alone in misery, but they aren’t.   

The fact is that there is no justice in this world.  Wishing that I had someone who wants to put as much love and energy into me as I do into her doesn’t make it happen.  Wishing, hoping; they change nothing.   Wishing is how we assuage our fears that things we want to happen probably won’t.  Hope is our mind’s way of fooling ourselves into believing that life isn’t as arbitrary and unfair as it really is.  This isn’t cynicism; it is how the world works.

So yeah, I’m god damned fucking livid that I have spent the past 23 years trying to make women happy who have no capacity to be happy; who managed to use my love and kindness to manipulate me into giving them everything they asked for while never giving anything back; who left me alone, in anguish, even while we were still together.  

Who would have thought that something as simple as seeing those two together would dredge up so much anger?  I’ve seen them together countless times before and it’s never bothered me.  What made this time different?  I have no idea.  

I thought that I was over the anger a long time ago.  I guess not.  I see now that, most likely, it will never completely go away.  It will just pop up when I least expect it.  Fuck me!


4 Responses to “Dredging up Old Emotions”

  1. 1 Brick Window April 27, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Yea, at first this seemed harsh, but after I went and read the other post and Prosey’s story (got more by reading the comments) I completely understand how you are feeling.

    You shouldn’t have to be in their company. AT ALL. It sucks that you have to sometimes. SUCKS.

    Please, please don’t let this psychopath ruin your life, Jay.

    • 2 Jay Walker April 27, 2011 at 3:26 pm

      She’s not ruining it. She just makes it a lot harder than it needs to be. I have a lot of anger, hurt, and VERY big issues with trust. Time helps, but it’s been almost 6 years and I’m still just really dealing with this. My last marriage just delayed my dealing with things, and actually made it worse. Like I said in my other post, the sooner I learn just to do without the easier my life will be.

  2. 4 kerry April 29, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    wow Sorry to hear that… I can understand your frustration.
    although it is completely justified, I am trying not to be unfeeling here but Brother for your own good you got to “get off that bus” I wish I could help.

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