I have to accept the fact that I will always be alone.  I know what you are going to say, “You are a wonderful person, you will find someone someday.”.  Yeah, maybe.  Sure.  But I can’t keep hoping, and more importantly, I can’t keep wanting.

I’m going to be 51 years old in three weeks.  To be loved as I love; to be wanted and desired as I want and desire; to be cherished and appreciated as I cherish and appreciate: these are things  I have wanted since I was 12 years old.  That is 39 years.  Thirty nine fucking years!  

I can’t do it.  The pain and longing is just too mush.  Do I think I’m unlovable? No. Do I think I deserve those things? Yes.  Do I think I deserve the best? Yes.  Do I think I’m worthy of those things? Yes.    Do I think that there is something wrong with me that makes women just not want to be with me after a while, just because of who I am?  Yes.  I don’t know what it is, if I did, I’d change it.  

Accepting this is the only way I can live without being miserable all the time.  Finding a way to live my life so that I’m happy without being loved, wanted, desired, is the only way I can get through each day.  

Maybe it’s that my 51st birthday is coming up.  Maybe it was seeing my ex and her husband together and realizing that life is a big, cruel fucking joke.   I’ll still love.  I’ll still be in love.  I just won’t be hoping or wanting anything in return, except knowing that I am doing everything I can to make the lives of those I love a litter better and a little easier, that and just enjoying my time with them; cherishing them.  What crushes your soul and causes you pain is hope and expectations that go unfulfilled.  

I’m not closing myself off to love, or the possibility of actually finding “the one”.  I still plan to love as freely as ever, to pursue relationships when they present themselves, but I refuse to let myself hope for anything at all.  I refuse to want anything at all. I’ll just accept whatever comes my way.   If it goes the same way every other relationship I’ve had goes, oh well.  

I don’t know why woman tire of me after a while.  I don’t know why they slowly become more distant; why they slowly stop trying; why the phone stops ringing.  I honestly don’t, but it always, ALWAYS happens.  It’s like some kind of universal law, and it is just something I have to learn to accept and live with.

My therapist said that in order to face my fears, I have to be willing to imagine what life would be like if I lost everything.   She didn’t tell me that I need to live my life that way too.


4 Responses to “Acceptence”

  1. 1 Brick Window April 27, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    I think you will grow, and ARE growing. Takes a lot of time, Jay. Writing down the negative shit, helps, doesn’t it??

    I don’t think you are too old to find love. I have hope.

  2. 2 Jay Walker April 27, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    It’s not a matter of being too old, it’s a matter of this is just the way it has been and always will be. It honestly don’t matter what I do, it either isn’t enough, is too much, or something just isn’t there at all. I’ve given up trying, or even wanting it. I just can’t do it anymore. Every time I’ve tried, it’s always the same. That’s why I said I just have to stop wanting it. I’ll just drive my self crazy otherwise.

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