I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days. Thinking about how I often feel so empty, so unworthy of love. I like to think of it as there being scales; on one side is everything you give, and on the other side, everything that is given to you. My scales have been far, far out of proportion, with the side where what I’ve given far outweighs the other side. The interesting thing is how the women I’ve been involved with in the past have scales that are exactly the opposite; the side where everything they have been given far outweighs what they have given. And to make things clear, by, “given”, I mean given freely, with no expectation of anything in return. When using this definition, their side of the scale where they have given is empty. Understanding that this is where those feelings come from is important because it helps me to wrap my head around it and find ways to deal with them. I realize that I need someone who wants to focus on me, who will make it all about me, just as I have always done for others. When you have two people focused on making it all about the other, that’s pretty sweet.
Yesterday things really firmed up for me in this regard. I am learning to accept that it is OK to let someone do for me, just for me, without feeling that I have to do for them right then and there. I am learning that my pleasure can exist in and of it’s self and doesn’t have to be validated or predicated on the pleasure of my partner. This is really important because I’ve always been made to feel selfish about enjoying my pleasure if it wasn’t directly wrapped up in her pleasure. That is not how a healthy relationship is supposed to work. I kept revisiting this idea of accepting my pleasure as a gift of love, as it should be, and I kept coming again and again back to this feeling. It is something new, and alien, but liberating as well, because I am starting to really accept that my pleasure is valid, in and of it’s self.
I also need to accept that I can be loved, just because I’m me. It’s hard work, but it is worth it in the long run.