It’s All About Me – Learning to Accept What is Given

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days.  Thinking about how I often feel so empty, so unworthy of love.  I like to think of it as there being scales; on one side is everything you give, and on the other side, everything that is given to you.  My scales have been far, far out of proportion, with the side where what I’ve given far outweighs the other side.  The interesting thing is how the women I’ve been involved with in the past have scales that are exactly the opposite; the side where everything they have been given far outweighs what they have given.  And to make things clear, by, “given”, I mean given freely, with no expectation of anything in return.  When using this definition, their side of the scale where they have given is empty.  Understanding that this is where those feelings come from is important because it helps me to wrap my head around it and find ways to deal with them.  I realize that I need someone who wants to focus on me, who will make it all about me, just as I have always done for others.  When you have two people focused on making it all about the other, that’s pretty sweet.

Yesterday things really firmed up for me in this regard.  I am learning to accept that it is OK to let someone do for me, just for me, without feeling that I have to do for them right then and there.  I am learning that my pleasure can exist in and of it’s self and doesn’t have to be validated or predicated on the pleasure of my partner.  This is really important because I’ve always been made to feel selfish about enjoying my pleasure if it wasn’t directly wrapped up in her pleasure.  That is not how a healthy relationship is supposed to work.  I kept revisiting this idea of accepting my pleasure as a gift of love, as it should be, and I kept coming again and again back to this feeling.  It is something new, and alien, but liberating as well, because I am starting to really accept that my pleasure is valid, in and of it’s self.  

I also need to accept that I can be loved, just because I’m me.  It’s hard work, but it is worth it in the long run.


2 Responses to “It’s All About Me – Learning to Accept What is Given”

  1. 1 prosey April 28, 2011 at 11:18 am

    There is *nothing* selfish about having the right to have ALL ABOUT YOU times. If it’s not all the time, then my feeling is that the other person is playing “pot and kettle” games in trying to make it all about THEM. *nod*

    Not to delve too deeply into the personal in a public space, I’m only just learning (during the past few years) that indulging in making something all about my husband…and accepting with grace when he makes it all about me…aids in those (usual and customary) times when it’s about mutual pleasure. There is NOTHING wrong with giving pleasure and receiving pleasure one-way, so long as it’s not THE way. šŸ™‚

    • 2 Jay Walker April 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm

      Exactly. As you know, my experiences have been about my pleasure always being THEIR way. After 23 years, it is hard to accept that my pleasure is valid and to allow things to be all about me sometimes. It is trying let go of that knee jerk reaction that my pleasure is only valid if it is somehow tied to her pleasure. But the last year has been a journey of rediscovering and remaking myself to be the person I want to be, so this is just one more lesson for me to learn, but it is probably the hardest because 18 years of emotional abuse leaves very deep wounds.

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