Archive for May, 2011

Dating For The First Time

I have been dating L for about a week. I never really dated much before, at least not since High School. My first wife and I dated a bit, but it was such an intense, whirlwind romance, that dating really can’t describe it. It was being totally infatuated with each other in that John Lennon/Yoko Ono way. We had to be together every single moment we could. We couldn’t bear being apart.

My second wife caught me three months after my first divorce, nine months after discovering she had been cheating on me. I was a single dad, I had started a new job in a city 65 miles away, I was scared, unsure, and vulnerable. The second one bowled me over with attention: she sent me flowers at work; showed up late at night at my place to crawl into bed with me, unannounced and unexpected; she lavished me with sex and affection.

I was hooked. I was sure that moving in together, 65 miles away in Omaha would be perfect for both of us and our kids. A secure home; secure finances; I wouldn’t have to be alone. Turned out we had almost nothing in common. We fought about the money she spent on her drop-out son. I shut myself up inside myself. I buried who I was to please her, just like I had my first wife.

I met L completely by chance. It was on a dating site that neither of us had visited in a long time: me, six months; her, 4 years. I only went on the site because a friend asked me to tell me what I thought about her profile. I saw that I had a message that had been sent just the day before asking if I was still single and if I would be interested in talking. Why not? I thought. She seemed like someone I would really like from her profile, and she was gorgeous to boot.

That was a week ago. Since then, we have seen each other almost every day. We have made plans to have lunch at her place, a ten minute drive from my work, three days a week. This Friday I am taking her to a very nice lunch for my Birthday. My birthday, my choice. That evening the two of us, my kids, and her son are going to dinner for my birthday. They are coming at the urging of my daughter who really likes L.

This time, there is no mad rush, no sense of moving toward an end point. This time there is just enjoyment in each other’s company and the excitement of getting to know each other. There is much more to it than that, of course. We have talked about most major issues that two single parents need to talk about before getting at all involved with each other. We have so much in common in experiences, outlook on life, and what we want from a relationship. It is a great start. Where it will end up, who knows? Neither of us is trying to push things in any particular direction. It is just nice, comfortable, and fun.

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True Fiction

I don’t usually post poems as blog entries, but I thought this would fit here since it explores my feelings of being unwanted and undesirable. It all ties back into my sense of unworthiness. This poem is fictional in it’s details, but is based on several events with two different women that really happened. Needless to say, they were sort of ego killers. It’s been five years for since one of the events and six months since the other. I haven’t had much luck with women, as those who regularly read this know. I haven’t mentioned these events before because, compared to my two marriages, they are pretty minor. Still, they just add to the sense of undesirability and unworthiness I feel in general. My therapist said that I deal with things by writing about them. She’s right. Anyway, here’s the poem.

You told me you wanted me
As you took me in your arms.
Your hands undressing me,
Your lips kissing me all over
As you caressed and
Prepared me for your pleasure.
As you moved above me,
Grinding yourself to climax,
It was as if I wasn’t there,
Except what was inside you.
You rolled over and
Begrudged me my pleasure,
And then you rose,
Washed and dressed, then left,
Never even kissing me goodbye.
When I finally got in touch,
After so many unanswered calls,
You said that you were drunk,
That, although I was kind,
The wine made me more
Desirable than I really was.
You said it was a mistake,
That you were sure there was
Some woman who might want me,
Maybe.
“Don’t call me anymore”
Why would I want to,
When all I was to you
Was an organ to ride?
Thanks for reminding me
What I always try to forget.
This is why I never go out.
It’s better to be lonely
Than used and discarded.
When will I ever learn.

Happy Mother’s Day?

I got to go to lunch with my kids and their mom. It wasn’t my idea, mind you, I was looking forward to a day by myself. Her car wouldn’t start and her husband is at work 60 miles away in Lincoln, so I got invited to lunch since I have a working car. She claimed that she was going to invite me anyway, but we know that’s bullshit since it was never mentioned until her car broke down.

We went to a Mongolian grill. It was OK. Nothing to write home about. Conversation was decent, mostly with the kids. Still, there was a level of comfort there that hasn’t been there before. Still, I don’t like her much, but at least I can stand her.

When I went to drop them home, she asked our daughter to come spend the rest of the day with her. She told my son she’d have him over some other time. wpid-steaming-2011-05-8-13-51.gif This has become so common that I don’t even know why I let it upset me. Oh, I don’t know , maybe because it’s fucking MOTHER’S DAY! wpid-pissedoff2-2011-05-8-13-51.gif

She blows him off all the time. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she makes bullshit excuses. It’s enough to make me want to wpid-puke-2011-05-8-13-51.gif

Why do I suddenly have this urge to get high? wpid-weed-2011-05-8-13-51.gif I haven’t smoked that stuff in decades. Gagh!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you baby bearers out there. I’m sure you truly deserve the best today, unlike someone I can think of.

A Message From The Dead – A Skeptic’s Last Words to The World

Phil Plait blogged about Derek today.  Derek was a skeptic who I never knew, nor herd of, until today.  He died of cancer May 3rd and he left a final message on his blog.  Please, go and read it.  It embodies everything I believe about living my daily life, which is; never take anything for granted, enjoy every moment, and always tell those you love that you love them, as often as you can.

This life, as far as anyone can tell, is all that we have.  The people in our lives are what give it meaning, and it is to the people in our lives that we will leave our legacy.  Once we die, we will live on in thier memoires, the stories they will tell about us, the influence that we had upon them. 

I lost my father in 1992, my sister in 1997, and my mother in 1999.  They all died suddenly and I never got to say goodbye to any of them, but I had no regrets because I always kept in touch, and I always let them know that I loved them.  I learned more from these loses about living day-to-day than anything else in my life. 

You never know when you, or someone you love, might be taken from this life.  Cherish every moment you have with those that you love, and tell them and show them, as often as you can, that you love them and value them.  It will be your legacy to them and it will enrich thier lives more than you can imagine.

I will leave you by quoting Phil Plait, who quoted Slau, who quoted Warren Zevon:  “Enjoy every sandwich.”