Archive for the 'Love' Category

It’s Been a Long Time

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything here.  Things have been crazy busy and sometimes just crazy.

I started a new job back in June, which I love.  It also pays a lot more than my last job.  I’m back to making what I used to 5 years ago before the market went south, I got laid off, and had to take a 17K pay cut.  The extra $$$ coming in, as well as what Lorraine brings in had make a huge difference.  Not only have I got to the point where I’m not struggling to get from payday to payday, but we now have extra to get things we need but haven’t been able to.  Not only that, but we’ve been able to get somethings we actually want as well!

The biggest thing that I have been dealing with is my son.  I explained some of the issued he was having in an earlier post.  Things just got worse from there.

Since then, things have just gotten worse.  It was strongly recommended that he be placed on Boys Town, which has and excellent residential residential programs for kids like him.  I’ve been working tirelessly since June to get him in there.  There have been multiple visits to doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, as well an intervention by family crisis workers as well.

In August, after a psychological evaluation he was finally accepted to Boys Town.   The problem is that, after what my insurance would pay, they would still need $5000 at admittance and then $400+ a day!   For the minimum 6 month stay that would be $25,000!  Needless to day, I don’t have anywhere near those resource.  I figure I’d have to be making at least $200,000 a year to be able to afford that.  If we were official poor, then medicaid and other government services would pay for it.  It’s the old catch-22; not remotely rich enough and not poor.

I called the assistance county attorney who know Alex from his truancy issues.  I explained the situation she recommend making him a dependent of the state.  That became official three weeks ago.  At that time, the state was ordered to gather all the evidence and make an official recommendation for a level of care.  He was assigned a case worker from CPS and another from Nebraska Family Collaborative, a non-profit that are the ones responsible for making all the arrangements for getting him the court ordered level of care.  The next court date was scheduled for the following week.  Kelly, from Nebraska Family Collaborative, called me and told me that she would be at court for that date and that she’d have all the paperwork needed. He was also assigned a guardian ad litem who will represent his best interests in court.

At the next court date, Kelly was not there.  There two people see sent in her place did not have any of the paper work needed.  The judge was not happy with this at all and order another date as soon as possible. This was on a Thursday afternoon.  I called and left messages for Kelly as well as three different supervisors at Nebraska Family Collaborative and never received a call back from any of them.

The next court date was schedule for this past Wednesday at 8:30am.  This time Kelly was there and had the paperwork.  The judge order that Alex be placed into Boys Town and that the state had until November 22nd on which date he would be removed from the home.  If they can’t get him into Boys Town by that date then they must place him in a suitable temporary facility that provides the ordered level of care.

The level of care that the court determined that he needs is one in which he has 24×7 supervision and guidance, that will give him the psychological and behavioral therapy as well as medical needs that he requires.

I spoke to Kelly yesterday (after leaving numerous messages for two days).  She said that Magellan denied to pay for the level of care that the court ordered.  She said that her supervisors were working on it.  I asked her about temporary facilities and she said that she had applied to several.  I asked her what will happen if she can’t get him into any of these by Tuesday (this was on Friday).  She said that she could try to find a foster home.  This, plainly, is bullshit.

I will refuse to give up physical custody if they intend to put him in with a foster family.  The whole point of this is that he be where he can get the level of care he needs.  If I can’t provide that 24×7 level of care, how in the hell can a foster parent who doesn’t even know him?

I plan on contacting the county  assistance attorney and let her know about the situation first thing Monday morning.  If these people at Kelly’s organization can come up with something by Monday afternoon, I will insist on a hearing with the judge to allow me to keep Alex in my home until the state gets their shit together.  I also will petition the court to order the state to get in into Boys Town within the week or ask that they be held in contempt.  I am also going to call around to lawyers who handle cases like this and if I must, I will sure CPS and Nebraska Family Collaborative, for force them to pay to have him put into Boys Town.  This is my son and I will not let anyone stand in the way of what is best for him.

On the bright side, Lorraine and I are engaged to be married!  She and her some moved in with us in July.  My kids really love her and she is just wonderful to them.  She is such an honest, caring, and down to earth person.  She is also intelligent, strong, and self-assured.  In addition to that, she is an excellent cook and a talented crafter, making t-shirts, crocheting and other things like that.  The wedding is scheduled for this coming May with a honeymoon in the Poconos.

Dating For The First Time

I have been dating L for about a week. I never really dated much before, at least not since High School. My first wife and I dated a bit, but it was such an intense, whirlwind romance, that dating really can’t describe it. It was being totally infatuated with each other in that John Lennon/Yoko Ono way. We had to be together every single moment we could. We couldn’t bear being apart.

My second wife caught me three months after my first divorce, nine months after discovering she had been cheating on me. I was a single dad, I had started a new job in a city 65 miles away, I was scared, unsure, and vulnerable. The second one bowled me over with attention: she sent me flowers at work; showed up late at night at my place to crawl into bed with me, unannounced and unexpected; she lavished me with sex and affection.

I was hooked. I was sure that moving in together, 65 miles away in Omaha would be perfect for both of us and our kids. A secure home; secure finances; I wouldn’t have to be alone. Turned out we had almost nothing in common. We fought about the money she spent on her drop-out son. I shut myself up inside myself. I buried who I was to please her, just like I had my first wife.

I met L completely by chance. It was on a dating site that neither of us had visited in a long time: me, six months; her, 4 years. I only went on the site because a friend asked me to tell me what I thought about her profile. I saw that I had a message that had been sent just the day before asking if I was still single and if I would be interested in talking. Why not? I thought. She seemed like someone I would really like from her profile, and she was gorgeous to boot.

That was a week ago. Since then, we have seen each other almost every day. We have made plans to have lunch at her place, a ten minute drive from my work, three days a week. This Friday I am taking her to a very nice lunch for my Birthday. My birthday, my choice. That evening the two of us, my kids, and her son are going to dinner for my birthday. They are coming at the urging of my daughter who really likes L.

This time, there is no mad rush, no sense of moving toward an end point. This time there is just enjoyment in each other’s company and the excitement of getting to know each other. There is much more to it than that, of course. We have talked about most major issues that two single parents need to talk about before getting at all involved with each other. We have so much in common in experiences, outlook on life, and what we want from a relationship. It is a great start. Where it will end up, who knows? Neither of us is trying to push things in any particular direction. It is just nice, comfortable, and fun.

Dredging up Old Emotions

I posted the last post because it helps to put this one in context.

I’ve been dealing with my ex’s again, all in the same week. They are so full of themselves, and everything is always about them.  Dealing with them really brings up just how alone I’ve been for the past two decades.

My kids had appointments with their therapists yesterday.  Their mother (I use “mother” instead of “mom” here because, like the old saying about dads goes, anyone woman can be a mother, but it takes a special woman to be a mom) didn’t bother to tell me about the appointment until the afternoon before.  This meant I had to get up an hour earlier yesterday so I could get to work earlier, so that I could leave work early for the appointment.  I’m pretty sure she does things like this just to piss me off.

I got almost no sleep the night before the appointment so I was exhausted and already annoyed about the lack of warning about the appointment, when I started my day.  Adding to my mood is what happened the day before.

The kids had Monday and Tuesday off school.  On Monday, their mother came and got my daughter and took her to lunch and the mall.  When I got home that evening, my son asked me if I knew where his sister was so I told him that she was with his mother.  He got really upset.  They never even told him that they were going out.  Now, I don’t expect his sister to tell him because she is a bit selfish with the time she spends with her mother, but his mother had no excuse for not taking him with them.  This isn’t the first time it’s happened.  This is a regular occurrence.  I’ve talked to her about it before and she just gives bullshit excuses, like the narcissistic bitch she is.

By the time the appointment came around, I was even more tired, and all that much more pissed off.  As I was walking in, I see the kids and their mother; and the douche bag she is married to.  Fuck me!  Now I’m seriously pissed off.  This guy is the biggest scumbag I’ve ever seen.  I won’t go into all the reasons here, but he is a true piece of shit.  The fact that my kids spend any time with him at all galls me to no end.

The appointments went well.  As for the douchey duo, the only satisfaction I could take out of seeing them is that she said that she had the worse migraine that she’s ever had; small consolation.

I am not a person who gets resentful or plays the pity card.  I don’t like to wallow, but I can’t help feeling resentful when I see that cunt with her fuck face of a husband.  Why the fuck should they have each other when I have to deal with raising the kids alone and deal with everything alone?  I know, who ever said life was fair?   It sure as hell isn’t fair and it pisses me off.    Yesterday it pissed me off more than it ever has.

Yeah, I know I’m a good person; I’m a good dad; I was a good husband.  I’ve had more women than I can count tell me how nice and wonderful I am and how I’d make any woman happy (yeah, except them, of course!)  All that is well and good, but it gets me nothing.  Not. A.  Fucking.  Thing.   I’ve been told that I deserve better; I’ve been told that I deserve the best;  my response?:  Yeah? So fucking what?  That cunt and her fuck-face husband deserve to live alone in misery, but they aren’t.   

The fact is that there is no justice in this world.  Wishing that I had someone who wants to put as much love and energy into me as I do into her doesn’t make it happen.  Wishing, hoping; they change nothing.   Wishing is how we assuage our fears that things we want to happen probably won’t.  Hope is our mind’s way of fooling ourselves into believing that life isn’t as arbitrary and unfair as it really is.  This isn’t cynicism; it is how the world works.

So yeah, I’m god damned fucking livid that I have spent the past 23 years trying to make women happy who have no capacity to be happy; who managed to use my love and kindness to manipulate me into giving them everything they asked for while never giving anything back; who left me alone, in anguish, even while we were still together.  

Who would have thought that something as simple as seeing those two together would dredge up so much anger?  I’ve seen them together countless times before and it’s never bothered me.  What made this time different?  I have no idea.  

I thought that I was over the anger a long time ago.  I guess not.  I see now that, most likely, it will never completely go away.  It will just pop up when I least expect it.  Fuck me!

My Divorce Story

I talk a lot here about my first divorce, or at least the fall out from it.  I thought it would be a good idea to give you the whole story so you might have a better understanding of what happened and why it was so traumatic for me.  This is also posted to my personal web page.

It’s a sad, strange story and, if I hadn’t happened to me, I’d never believe it.

If I have learned anything from my marriage, it is that I let my wife control me with guilt.  For the two years before we split, she had held the implicit threat of divorce over my head, made me feel like everything wrong in our marriage was my fault.  She used my guilt over what she supposedly sacrificed for me to manipulate me so that get into a relationship with this man.

First it was on line, they met on this site we all belong to, I think I’ve sent you the url before, www.deviantart.com.  His ex-wife (his wife at the time all this happened) also is a member, for a while, we were all buddies, commenting on each other’s work and such.  Then, after a while, his ex-wife, Jan, started accusing him, Kevin, and my wife, Holly of having a cyber affair.  Holly told me that she was nuts, that she had a history of mental illness.  She assured me that they were just friends.

I accepted that, because I had also made a good friend on that site, a woman from New Zealand.   We were just friends.  I never hid it from Holly.
 I was open about it and told her that if it bother her that I talked to this woman, I’d stop and never talk to her again.  Holly assured me that she wasn’t jealous.

So, the stage was set.  Holly told me she wanted to fly to Nebraska and visit a friend she knew there.  That she had been stuck raising the kids for the past 9 years and deserved it.  She said that she also deserved my trust.  So I let her go.  I even took vacation time so I could take care of the kids.

Well, she called from Nebraska and said that it was really nice here and that the cost of living was better.  Her family was also giving us a really hard time, and I was feeling trapped at my job so it seemed like a good idea.   I found a good job here in Nebraska and we moved.  I don’t regret that, I love it here, the kids love it here.

Anyway, after we moved, this friend of Holly’s, who’s name is Kevin, would stop by  about once a week.  He’d come over to visit.  He seemed like a really nice guy.   It was could tell that they were attracted to each other, but I was trying hard to work on our marriage and hoped that we could work things out.  At the most, I expected him to divorce his so-called crazy wife and then figured Holly would ask for a divorce.  I was ready for that.  I could have dealt with that.

What I found was betrayal, manipulation and lies, all to satisfied their wants at the expense of everyone else.   I still don’t believe it, but I know it’s true because I have proof.  Pictures, videos, blogs, messages. Holly told me that she has come clean, that there was nothing else she was hiding, but I keep finding more, I keep catching her in more lies.

I finally met Jan, his ex-wide.  She’s not crazy, she bitter and hurt by 17 years with an unfaithful husband.  She filed for divorce a few years ago, but withdrew it because he promised to get therapy for a sex addiction.

Well, it turns out that the nights he was supposed to be going to therapy, he was visiting us.  It wasn’t long before Holly began asking me to take the kids to the movies and swimming while he visited.  I still thought his wife was nuts and so I figured he needed some time with a good friend. Well, it turns out that the were having sex in my apartment while I was with the kids.  Not only that, they were broadcasting it over our web cam.

I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it did, and in a way that I could never, ever have imagined.    Jan found CD’s that Kevin had hidden in their garage.  One of them has pictured of Holly having sex with another couple.  Another had a video of Holly having sex with our dog!!!.  Jan turned the video of Holly with our dog over to the police. They came to the house, took our computer and cited her for Lewd Behavior with an Animal. She ended up pleading guilty and got a fine.

So, you can see why I now have custody of the kids.  She has serious problems.  She sees them once or twice a week, but not nearly as much as she could if she really wanted to.  It’s probably better for the kids in the long run, although it is very hard on them.

I was stupid and blind.  Maybe I just didn’t want to let myself believe what I feared was true.

Well, anyway, that’s the story of my divorce.  

Helping Your Child Deal With the Pain of a Breakup

My daughter’s boyfriend broke up with her yesterday.  She’s known him for a while now and they usually just go to the park or to a game store and hang out.  She really loves him and cares for him.  This isn’t the first “boyfriend” she has had break up with her.  What made this so traumatic this time is that after constantly telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is, he told her that he was breaking up with her because he really loves her best friend and wants to go out with her instead.  The best friend, to her credit, told him to go fuck himself, as she would never do that a friend.  

A drama on Facebook played it’s self out with the boy posting to his status that he is a terrible person who should burn in hell for eternity (ah, teen drama!).  This sentiment was immediately seconded by all of my daughter’s friends in comments to his status.  I told Olivia that she can not try to ease his guilt because he needs to learn just what can result from his decisions.  

Olivia said that she felt that if she had just been able to spend more time with him, she could have kept him from wanting to go out with her friend.  It was time for a big life lesson.  I told her that she needed to know and understand right now that you CANNOT change anyone.  I told her that all she can do is be the best friend that she can be and give her love freely. People will only change when they, themselves, decide to change.  

We had a very long talk about this because I wanted to make sure she really understood.  I used her mom’s and my relationship as an example.  I told her that her mom never really seemed happy when we were married, dispite the fact that we loved each other very much.  I said that for years I thought that all I needed to do was to try just a littler harder to make her mom happy.  It never worked.  I explained that I finally discovered that it wasn’t within my power to make her mom happy; that her mom needed to discover why she was unhappy and then decide what to do about it.  Unfortunaltely, what made her happy was being with someone else who gave her whatever it was she felt she needed. I told Olivia that, even though that was very hard for me to deal with, I had to accept the fact that it wasn’t a failing in me that caused her mom to leave me; it was her mom’s decision.

I let her know that, even though it sucked that she was hurting so badly, these things will happen and that what she needs to do is to learn from them.  It was better than she learn this lesson now, at the tender age of 13, than much later, after years of marriage, as I did.

I think I got thorugh to her.  I will continue to gently reinforce this important lession.  

Love Makes Me Crazy

I’m in love. I haven’t been in love for at least eleven or twelve years. After my second marriage ended, I didn’t think I’d ever be able to love someone again, or to be truly loved.

To understand this I am going to give a brief history of my two marriages and then I’ll get into the meat of what I want to talk about.

My first wife Holly and I were married for almost 18 years when we got divorced. When we met and fell in love it was the real thing. We were best friends, we had passion and romance coming out of our ears, we couldn’t get enough of each other. It was the most beautiful and perfect relationship I could ever have imagined.

As time went by, we grew apart. Eventually, she had an affair which I discovered. I also discovered that she had been lying to me for years about almost everything. It completely tore my world apart and shattered my heart into a million pieces.

I met my second wife only four months after the divorce. I was reeling from everything that had happened. I was a single dad trying to raise my kid while I commuted from Lincoln, NE to Omaha, NE every day, a drive of 65 minutes one way. When I met Cindy she was selling her house because she too worked in Omaha and was planning to move there. I knew I needed to move as well. She came on strong and did all sorts of things to win me over. It worked and we decided to move to Omaha together and live together. Two years later we married. That was almost three years ago.

I became cynical about love and marriage. I scoffed at the idea of ever being able to love again. I was so angry and hurt that I just couldn’t allow myself to believe that I could. I think this was a way of protecting myself from being hurt again.

Then I got to know Ellie.

Ellie has helped me learn that I can really love again and fall in love. Her laugh, her kindness and gentleness, and her obvious affection for me have made me experience feelings of love and romance that I haven’t felt in so, so long.

We met on the online art site, deviantart.com. She was very depressed and having a very hard time with life. We messaged back and forth for a while, but it was sporadic and I could tell that she was in crisis. I sent her my phone number and told her to call me anytime if she needed to talk. A few weeks later I received a call from her. It was an amazing conversation.

Ellie lives in Alberta, Canada, about five hours north of Edmonton. She is originally from Quebec and has only been speaking English daily for a few years, but you wouldn’t know it from her accent; she has the typical Canadian English accent. The reason I mention this is that during the first phone call, she asked if she could sing to me and she sang a song in French. It was beautiful! Here was this woman singing to me! It was sweet and immediately endeared her to me.

She couldn’t call me often because her cell phone plan didn’t have many minutes on it, but she called at least once a week even though the calls were costing her a lot of money. This was so amazing to me because here was a woman who was spending money that she really didn’t need to just to talk to me. After a month or so she told me that it would be a while before she could call again due to finances. She said that she had started a new job and would be saving money and hopefully would be able to afford a better plan and would be able to call me more often.

We still messaged each other on the art site, but a good month or so went by without us being able to talk. Finally she called and told me that she had a new plan with unlimited minutes. The calls started to come in two or three times a week. We talk about so many different things. Her problems, my problems, our likes and dislikes. We share a real love for music and art. We talked about everything that good friends talk about.

She offered unconditional love to me. She made the effort to call me (I couldn’t call her because her work schedule changed every week, sometimes she worked days, sometimes nights). This meant so much to me because the love my wives offered me always seemed to be conditional somehow. It was always me who was expected to make things happen in the relationship. Ellie made it clear though her actions and words that she liked me just as I am with no expectations and no conditions.

There is something else I should tell you about Ellie. She is almost 30 years younger than me.

So, I love Ellie. I’m in love with Ellie. The chances of us ever even meeting are pretty remote so my fantasies of being with her, being her cuddle buddy, as we have decided we would love to be, are likely never to be realized. I know this. I understand this. My experience and rationality tell me this is so. Then something wonderful happened.

About a week ago, we were talking about how my therapist thinks that I need to start dating and how I’m really scared about putting my heart out there again after all the pain and betrayal. Then she said the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. She said, “If you do get together with someone and she breaks your heart I want you to remember that I will always love you and that I will always be here to fix your broken heart.” Wow!

The next night she called again. The conversation was unlike anything I would have ever expected.

She made it very clear that she didn’t just love me, she is in love with me. She said our age difference didn’t matter to her. It was completely and totally mind blowing.

We all have dreams and fantasies that we run through our heads like a soundtrack to a favorite movie over and over again. I’m talking about things that you don’t think or have any reason to believe will ever come true, but are secret desires that you dream about happening. Every detail is gone over in your mind in the minutest detail. Every word of every imagined conversation is as well known as if you were the world’s greatest actor learning a script. At least that is how my mind works. I am sure everyone has something like these dreams, but have you ever had one actually come true?

I have. True down the smallest detail. To have something that I never, ever thought could really happen actually happen as I imagined it totally and completely blew my mind. I’m still reeling, wondering if I just hallucinated the entire conversation, but I know it’s real because I have the records of the calls in my phone, and the texts we exchanged as well. Every word she said to me had been spoken by her in my dreams. I’m still trying to convince myself that it all really happened. It’s dizzying; it’s a little scary, but most of all it’s beautiful.

There are no expectations, no pressure. It is understood that we are not and cannot be exclusively bound to each other. The distance makes this almost impossible. To try to do otherwise would be a sure recipe for disaster. So it is what it is and we have decided to just accept it as it is and enjoy it.

Of course, my fantasies of us someday being together have only increased. Rationally I know the odds are very, very slim that we will ever get to do anything more that visit each other once or twice a year if we are lucky, but the irrational part of my brian is the part that is apparently driven by love and the idea of love. It is this that drives me crazy. Not in the sense of being annoyed, but in the sense of my wants and desires crashing full on into the real world we live in.

I tell myself that I never thought she could or would be in love with me, but she is, so why can’t the other dreams come true? Reality tells me that the chances of them coming true are millions to one against. In the real world, her being in love with me is a fluke of nature not to be repeated again in a lifetime and that the idea that anything else could also come to be is so remote as to be impossible. Still, my heart can’t help but hope for the wildest dreams to come true.

So there is this crazy dichotomy between reality and desires. One minute I’m living here in the real world and know that most likely within a year, she will have found a young guy her own age and will be off with him, and I am totally ok with that because I want more than anything for her to be happy. The next minute however I am living in a world where somehow she and I are together, happy and in love. It is like being asleep and dreaming, but then you wake up enough just to know that you were dreaming and then you are asleep and back to dreaming again. This keeps on going in a continuous cycle of dreaming; awake, dreaming; awake. It is beautiful and maddening all at the same time.

The problem is that love isn’t rational, it is emotional. It is one of the most powerful emotions any of us can ever know. Love is irrational by it’s very nature.

So, here I am, in love and going crazy. It’s beautiful and I wouldn’t have it any other way.