Archive for the 'Relationships' Category

It’s Been a Long Time

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything here.  Things have been crazy busy and sometimes just crazy.

I started a new job back in June, which I love.  It also pays a lot more than my last job.  I’m back to making what I used to 5 years ago before the market went south, I got laid off, and had to take a 17K pay cut.  The extra $$$ coming in, as well as what Lorraine brings in had make a huge difference.  Not only have I got to the point where I’m not struggling to get from payday to payday, but we now have extra to get things we need but haven’t been able to.  Not only that, but we’ve been able to get somethings we actually want as well!

The biggest thing that I have been dealing with is my son.  I explained some of the issued he was having in an earlier post.  Things just got worse from there.

Since then, things have just gotten worse.  It was strongly recommended that he be placed on Boys Town, which has and excellent residential residential programs for kids like him.  I’ve been working tirelessly since June to get him in there.  There have been multiple visits to doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, as well an intervention by family crisis workers as well.

In August, after a psychological evaluation he was finally accepted to Boys Town.   The problem is that, after what my insurance would pay, they would still need $5000 at admittance and then $400+ a day!   For the minimum 6 month stay that would be $25,000!  Needless to day, I don’t have anywhere near those resource.  I figure I’d have to be making at least $200,000 a year to be able to afford that.  If we were official poor, then medicaid and other government services would pay for it.  It’s the old catch-22; not remotely rich enough and not poor.

I called the assistance county attorney who know Alex from his truancy issues.  I explained the situation she recommend making him a dependent of the state.  That became official three weeks ago.  At that time, the state was ordered to gather all the evidence and make an official recommendation for a level of care.  He was assigned a case worker from CPS and another from Nebraska Family Collaborative, a non-profit that are the ones responsible for making all the arrangements for getting him the court ordered level of care.  The next court date was scheduled for the following week.  Kelly, from Nebraska Family Collaborative, called me and told me that she would be at court for that date and that she’d have all the paperwork needed. He was also assigned a guardian ad litem who will represent his best interests in court.

At the next court date, Kelly was not there.  There two people see sent in her place did not have any of the paper work needed.  The judge was not happy with this at all and order another date as soon as possible. This was on a Thursday afternoon.  I called and left messages for Kelly as well as three different supervisors at Nebraska Family Collaborative and never received a call back from any of them.

The next court date was schedule for this past Wednesday at 8:30am.  This time Kelly was there and had the paperwork.  The judge order that Alex be placed into Boys Town and that the state had until November 22nd on which date he would be removed from the home.  If they can’t get him into Boys Town by that date then they must place him in a suitable temporary facility that provides the ordered level of care.

The level of care that the court determined that he needs is one in which he has 24×7 supervision and guidance, that will give him the psychological and behavioral therapy as well as medical needs that he requires.

I spoke to Kelly yesterday (after leaving numerous messages for two days).  She said that Magellan denied to pay for the level of care that the court ordered.  She said that her supervisors were working on it.  I asked her about temporary facilities and she said that she had applied to several.  I asked her what will happen if she can’t get him into any of these by Tuesday (this was on Friday).  She said that she could try to find a foster home.  This, plainly, is bullshit.

I will refuse to give up physical custody if they intend to put him in with a foster family.  The whole point of this is that he be where he can get the level of care he needs.  If I can’t provide that 24×7 level of care, how in the hell can a foster parent who doesn’t even know him?

I plan on contacting the county  assistance attorney and let her know about the situation first thing Monday morning.  If these people at Kelly’s organization can come up with something by Monday afternoon, I will insist on a hearing with the judge to allow me to keep Alex in my home until the state gets their shit together.  I also will petition the court to order the state to get in into Boys Town within the week or ask that they be held in contempt.  I am also going to call around to lawyers who handle cases like this and if I must, I will sure CPS and Nebraska Family Collaborative, for force them to pay to have him put into Boys Town.  This is my son and I will not let anyone stand in the way of what is best for him.

On the bright side, Lorraine and I are engaged to be married!  She and her some moved in with us in July.  My kids really love her and she is just wonderful to them.  She is such an honest, caring, and down to earth person.  She is also intelligent, strong, and self-assured.  In addition to that, she is an excellent cook and a talented crafter, making t-shirts, crocheting and other things like that.  The wedding is scheduled for this coming May with a honeymoon in the Poconos.

Narcissism in Action

I’ve written here before about my kids’ mother and how she neglects our son.  Well she has sunk to a new low.  I’ve mentioned before that my son has Aspergers, ADHA, and mood disorder.  He has been having a really tough time over the past few months.  I won’t go into details except to say that we have faced several major crisises lately.  This past weekend we were dealt with the most serious crisis to date.

My son asked if he could stay with his mom for a few days, to clear his head and get out of the environment that he felt trapped in.  His sister is at the end of her rope with all the stress and turmoil and also desperately wanted her brother out of the house for a few days.

I’d asked this of their mom once before, under similar circumstances and was told that she didn’t have the room.  I said that he wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch.  She said that the cats would bother him.  I told her that he didn’t mind the cats.  She then said that we had an understanding that the kids didn’t sleep over at her place.  She went on about how she never had the space or resources to keep them overnight since she was having to pay out so much in child support.

I called their mom and asked if she could take him for a few days, impressing on her the seriousness of the situation and how our kids were both desperate for this, that our family was in crisis.  She spouted off the same excuses that she’d made before.  I told her that she needed to step up to the plate and make some sacrifices for the good of her children. She got angry with me and told me that I’d made my choice years ago to keep the kids and that, basically, I’d just have to deal with it.  At this point I was so upset that I handed the phone back to my daughter.

Their mom said that she’d come a pick up our son and keep him for a few hours.  An hour later, he was back home.  Shortly after that, she posted the following on her Facebook page.  Now, I don’t follow her on Facebook.  I’d never, ever want her on my friends list, but my daughter had been using my fiancee’s laptop to check her Facebook page and after getting the laptop back saw the following posts by the kids’ mom.

I refuse to be manipulated or made to feel guilty. If you try to do this….you will lose. I don’t care who you are. I am not stupid. Shame on you for trying.

  • Comments
    • Patty Kuehn Yikes what happen Holly? U r like a panther with a cub….beautiful and full of life but u will not be crossed!

      Saturday at 10:17pm · Like
    • Holly Ferguson thanks Patty…my ex pushed me too far and now he will realize his mistake. You always make me feel better 🙂
    • Holly Ferguson lol…I can’t wait!!! lololol Can we make him a code 20 🙂

      Saturday at 10:33pm · Like
    • Patty Kuehn Yep….that’s funny…code 20….hahahahaha

      Saturday at 10:50pm · Like
    • Jake Raterman holly just tell me the plan and il help in any way possible….

      Yesterday at 12:04am · Like

Mind you, she is on both our kids’ friends list so that they can see all of her status updates.  My daughter saw it and was incensed and told her mom that she needed to stop acting like a 2nd grader.  As for me, I could care less what she says about me, but when she does things like this to get my kids upset, especially when she knows they are already under tremendous stress, I get royally pissed off.  There is no point in trying to talk to her about it, she will just throw another hissy fit.

This, once again, is a prime example of narcissism in action.  It is all about her.  Her needs and desires come before anyone else’s, including her children’s.  Everything becomes about her trying to make herself look good or feel good about herself.  This means that she is incapable of admitting faults or accepting any responsibility whatsoever for the consequences of her actions.

I knew from the the time that she left that someday my kids would learn the hard way just what kind of person their mother is.  Even though I’ve known this would play out just like it has, it still breaks my heart to see the pain and anguish she has visited upon them with her petty selfishness.

Sensual Delights

Sensual: relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses or the indulgence of appetite. [merriam-webster.com]

When you hear the word “sensual”, you probably think of sex, and well you should; sex is one of the most intense, intimate, and pleasurable activities our senses can experience. There is, however, another very valid and important aspect of sensuality that relates to the word “appetite”, and that is food.

Sex and food are often intertwined, and for good reason. They are both, in their own ways, very powerful experiences of our senses. Food consist of more than just taste; there is smell, texture, and the feeling of being satiated after eating.

I’ve discovered lately, from very person experience, just how powerful a combination food and sex can be. Lorraine and I are both good cooks. We have been making wonderful food together, just as we have been making wonderful love together. We’ve found that the act of preparing, cooking, and eating delicious food together heightens our physical desire for each other. Maybe it is the orgasmic sounds we make while enjoying a delicious meal; I’m sure some of it is that we are physically close in the kitchen while preparing and cooking. Still, even when we have gone out to a good restaurant to eat, our desire for each other grows with each bite of food we share.

This experience works in reverse as well. After intense, delicious sex, we find ourselves hungry for food. Our favorites? Caesar salad if it is before bedtime, BLTs the rest of the time. I can tell you that the rush we get from our lovemaking only increases the pleasure of our after-sex snack.

Sensuality of one kind feeds on that of the other. Good food shared stokes our physical desire for each other and the physical pleasure shared from that desire creates hunger, which leads to more physical desire. It is a beautiful combination. Now, let’s just hope that we burn enough calories in the one endeavor to offset the calories consumed in the other.

Dating For The First Time

I have been dating L for about a week. I never really dated much before, at least not since High School. My first wife and I dated a bit, but it was such an intense, whirlwind romance, that dating really can’t describe it. It was being totally infatuated with each other in that John Lennon/Yoko Ono way. We had to be together every single moment we could. We couldn’t bear being apart.

My second wife caught me three months after my first divorce, nine months after discovering she had been cheating on me. I was a single dad, I had started a new job in a city 65 miles away, I was scared, unsure, and vulnerable. The second one bowled me over with attention: she sent me flowers at work; showed up late at night at my place to crawl into bed with me, unannounced and unexpected; she lavished me with sex and affection.

I was hooked. I was sure that moving in together, 65 miles away in Omaha would be perfect for both of us and our kids. A secure home; secure finances; I wouldn’t have to be alone. Turned out we had almost nothing in common. We fought about the money she spent on her drop-out son. I shut myself up inside myself. I buried who I was to please her, just like I had my first wife.

I met L completely by chance. It was on a dating site that neither of us had visited in a long time: me, six months; her, 4 years. I only went on the site because a friend asked me to tell me what I thought about her profile. I saw that I had a message that had been sent just the day before asking if I was still single and if I would be interested in talking. Why not? I thought. She seemed like someone I would really like from her profile, and she was gorgeous to boot.

That was a week ago. Since then, we have seen each other almost every day. We have made plans to have lunch at her place, a ten minute drive from my work, three days a week. This Friday I am taking her to a very nice lunch for my Birthday. My birthday, my choice. That evening the two of us, my kids, and her son are going to dinner for my birthday. They are coming at the urging of my daughter who really likes L.

This time, there is no mad rush, no sense of moving toward an end point. This time there is just enjoyment in each other’s company and the excitement of getting to know each other. There is much more to it than that, of course. We have talked about most major issues that two single parents need to talk about before getting at all involved with each other. We have so much in common in experiences, outlook on life, and what we want from a relationship. It is a great start. Where it will end up, who knows? Neither of us is trying to push things in any particular direction. It is just nice, comfortable, and fun.

True Fiction

I don’t usually post poems as blog entries, but I thought this would fit here since it explores my feelings of being unwanted and undesirable. It all ties back into my sense of unworthiness. This poem is fictional in it’s details, but is based on several events with two different women that really happened. Needless to say, they were sort of ego killers. It’s been five years for since one of the events and six months since the other. I haven’t had much luck with women, as those who regularly read this know. I haven’t mentioned these events before because, compared to my two marriages, they are pretty minor. Still, they just add to the sense of undesirability and unworthiness I feel in general. My therapist said that I deal with things by writing about them. She’s right. Anyway, here’s the poem.

You told me you wanted me
As you took me in your arms.
Your hands undressing me,
Your lips kissing me all over
As you caressed and
Prepared me for your pleasure.
As you moved above me,
Grinding yourself to climax,
It was as if I wasn’t there,
Except what was inside you.
You rolled over and
Begrudged me my pleasure,
And then you rose,
Washed and dressed, then left,
Never even kissing me goodbye.
When I finally got in touch,
After so many unanswered calls,
You said that you were drunk,
That, although I was kind,
The wine made me more
Desirable than I really was.
You said it was a mistake,
That you were sure there was
Some woman who might want me,
Maybe.
“Don’t call me anymore”
Why would I want to,
When all I was to you
Was an organ to ride?
Thanks for reminding me
What I always try to forget.
This is why I never go out.
It’s better to be lonely
Than used and discarded.
When will I ever learn.

A Message From The Dead – A Skeptic’s Last Words to The World

Phil Plait blogged about Derek today.  Derek was a skeptic who I never knew, nor herd of, until today.  He died of cancer May 3rd and he left a final message on his blog.  Please, go and read it.  It embodies everything I believe about living my daily life, which is; never take anything for granted, enjoy every moment, and always tell those you love that you love them, as often as you can.

This life, as far as anyone can tell, is all that we have.  The people in our lives are what give it meaning, and it is to the people in our lives that we will leave our legacy.  Once we die, we will live on in thier memoires, the stories they will tell about us, the influence that we had upon them. 

I lost my father in 1992, my sister in 1997, and my mother in 1999.  They all died suddenly and I never got to say goodbye to any of them, but I had no regrets because I always kept in touch, and I always let them know that I loved them.  I learned more from these loses about living day-to-day than anything else in my life. 

You never know when you, or someone you love, might be taken from this life.  Cherish every moment you have with those that you love, and tell them and show them, as often as you can, that you love them and value them.  It will be your legacy to them and it will enrich thier lives more than you can imagine.

I will leave you by quoting Phil Plait, who quoted Slau, who quoted Warren Zevon:  “Enjoy every sandwich.”

It’s All About Me – Learning to Accept What is Given

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days.  Thinking about how I often feel so empty, so unworthy of love.  I like to think of it as there being scales; on one side is everything you give, and on the other side, everything that is given to you.  My scales have been far, far out of proportion, with the side where what I’ve given far outweighs the other side.  The interesting thing is how the women I’ve been involved with in the past have scales that are exactly the opposite; the side where everything they have been given far outweighs what they have given.  And to make things clear, by, “given”, I mean given freely, with no expectation of anything in return.  When using this definition, their side of the scale where they have given is empty.  Understanding that this is where those feelings come from is important because it helps me to wrap my head around it and find ways to deal with them.  I realize that I need someone who wants to focus on me, who will make it all about me, just as I have always done for others.  When you have two people focused on making it all about the other, that’s pretty sweet.

Yesterday things really firmed up for me in this regard.  I am learning to accept that it is OK to let someone do for me, just for me, without feeling that I have to do for them right then and there.  I am learning that my pleasure can exist in and of it’s self and doesn’t have to be validated or predicated on the pleasure of my partner.  This is really important because I’ve always been made to feel selfish about enjoying my pleasure if it wasn’t directly wrapped up in her pleasure.  That is not how a healthy relationship is supposed to work.  I kept revisiting this idea of accepting my pleasure as a gift of love, as it should be, and I kept coming again and again back to this feeling.  It is something new, and alien, but liberating as well, because I am starting to really accept that my pleasure is valid, in and of it’s self.  

I also need to accept that I can be loved, just because I’m me.  It’s hard work, but it is worth it in the long run.