Archive for the 'Sexuality' Category

Sensual Delights

Sensual: relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses or the indulgence of appetite. [merriam-webster.com]

When you hear the word “sensual”, you probably think of sex, and well you should; sex is one of the most intense, intimate, and pleasurable activities our senses can experience. There is, however, another very valid and important aspect of sensuality that relates to the word “appetite”, and that is food.

Sex and food are often intertwined, and for good reason. They are both, in their own ways, very powerful experiences of our senses. Food consist of more than just taste; there is smell, texture, and the feeling of being satiated after eating.

I’ve discovered lately, from very person experience, just how powerful a combination food and sex can be. Lorraine and I are both good cooks. We have been making wonderful food together, just as we have been making wonderful love together. We’ve found that the act of preparing, cooking, and eating delicious food together heightens our physical desire for each other. Maybe it is the orgasmic sounds we make while enjoying a delicious meal; I’m sure some of it is that we are physically close in the kitchen while preparing and cooking. Still, even when we have gone out to a good restaurant to eat, our desire for each other grows with each bite of food we share.

This experience works in reverse as well. After intense, delicious sex, we find ourselves hungry for food. Our favorites? Caesar salad if it is before bedtime, BLTs the rest of the time. I can tell you that the rush we get from our lovemaking only increases the pleasure of our after-sex snack.

Sensuality of one kind feeds on that of the other. Good food shared stokes our physical desire for each other and the physical pleasure shared from that desire creates hunger, which leads to more physical desire. It is a beautiful combination. Now, let’s just hope that we burn enough calories in the one endeavor to offset the calories consumed in the other.

True Fiction

I don’t usually post poems as blog entries, but I thought this would fit here since it explores my feelings of being unwanted and undesirable. It all ties back into my sense of unworthiness. This poem is fictional in it’s details, but is based on several events with two different women that really happened. Needless to say, they were sort of ego killers. It’s been five years for since one of the events and six months since the other. I haven’t had much luck with women, as those who regularly read this know. I haven’t mentioned these events before because, compared to my two marriages, they are pretty minor. Still, they just add to the sense of undesirability and unworthiness I feel in general. My therapist said that I deal with things by writing about them. She’s right. Anyway, here’s the poem.

You told me you wanted me
As you took me in your arms.
Your hands undressing me,
Your lips kissing me all over
As you caressed and
Prepared me for your pleasure.
As you moved above me,
Grinding yourself to climax,
It was as if I wasn’t there,
Except what was inside you.
You rolled over and
Begrudged me my pleasure,
And then you rose,
Washed and dressed, then left,
Never even kissing me goodbye.
When I finally got in touch,
After so many unanswered calls,
You said that you were drunk,
That, although I was kind,
The wine made me more
Desirable than I really was.
You said it was a mistake,
That you were sure there was
Some woman who might want me,
Maybe.
“Don’t call me anymore”
Why would I want to,
When all I was to you
Was an organ to ride?
Thanks for reminding me
What I always try to forget.
This is why I never go out.
It’s better to be lonely
Than used and discarded.
When will I ever learn.

It’s All About Me – Learning to Accept What is Given

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days.  Thinking about how I often feel so empty, so unworthy of love.  I like to think of it as there being scales; on one side is everything you give, and on the other side, everything that is given to you.  My scales have been far, far out of proportion, with the side where what I’ve given far outweighs the other side.  The interesting thing is how the women I’ve been involved with in the past have scales that are exactly the opposite; the side where everything they have been given far outweighs what they have given.  And to make things clear, by, “given”, I mean given freely, with no expectation of anything in return.  When using this definition, their side of the scale where they have given is empty.  Understanding that this is where those feelings come from is important because it helps me to wrap my head around it and find ways to deal with them.  I realize that I need someone who wants to focus on me, who will make it all about me, just as I have always done for others.  When you have two people focused on making it all about the other, that’s pretty sweet.

Yesterday things really firmed up for me in this regard.  I am learning to accept that it is OK to let someone do for me, just for me, without feeling that I have to do for them right then and there.  I am learning that my pleasure can exist in and of it’s self and doesn’t have to be validated or predicated on the pleasure of my partner.  This is really important because I’ve always been made to feel selfish about enjoying my pleasure if it wasn’t directly wrapped up in her pleasure.  That is not how a healthy relationship is supposed to work.  I kept revisiting this idea of accepting my pleasure as a gift of love, as it should be, and I kept coming again and again back to this feeling.  It is something new, and alien, but liberating as well, because I am starting to really accept that my pleasure is valid, in and of it’s self.  

I also need to accept that I can be loved, just because I’m me.  It’s hard work, but it is worth it in the long run.

My Divorce Story

I talk a lot here about my first divorce, or at least the fall out from it.  I thought it would be a good idea to give you the whole story so you might have a better understanding of what happened and why it was so traumatic for me.  This is also posted to my personal web page.

It’s a sad, strange story and, if I hadn’t happened to me, I’d never believe it.

If I have learned anything from my marriage, it is that I let my wife control me with guilt.  For the two years before we split, she had held the implicit threat of divorce over my head, made me feel like everything wrong in our marriage was my fault.  She used my guilt over what she supposedly sacrificed for me to manipulate me so that get into a relationship with this man.

First it was on line, they met on this site we all belong to, I think I’ve sent you the url before, www.deviantart.com.  His ex-wife (his wife at the time all this happened) also is a member, for a while, we were all buddies, commenting on each other’s work and such.  Then, after a while, his ex-wife, Jan, started accusing him, Kevin, and my wife, Holly of having a cyber affair.  Holly told me that she was nuts, that she had a history of mental illness.  She assured me that they were just friends.

I accepted that, because I had also made a good friend on that site, a woman from New Zealand.   We were just friends.  I never hid it from Holly.
 I was open about it and told her that if it bother her that I talked to this woman, I’d stop and never talk to her again.  Holly assured me that she wasn’t jealous.

So, the stage was set.  Holly told me she wanted to fly to Nebraska and visit a friend she knew there.  That she had been stuck raising the kids for the past 9 years and deserved it.  She said that she also deserved my trust.  So I let her go.  I even took vacation time so I could take care of the kids.

Well, she called from Nebraska and said that it was really nice here and that the cost of living was better.  Her family was also giving us a really hard time, and I was feeling trapped at my job so it seemed like a good idea.   I found a good job here in Nebraska and we moved.  I don’t regret that, I love it here, the kids love it here.

Anyway, after we moved, this friend of Holly’s, who’s name is Kevin, would stop by  about once a week.  He’d come over to visit.  He seemed like a really nice guy.   It was could tell that they were attracted to each other, but I was trying hard to work on our marriage and hoped that we could work things out.  At the most, I expected him to divorce his so-called crazy wife and then figured Holly would ask for a divorce.  I was ready for that.  I could have dealt with that.

What I found was betrayal, manipulation and lies, all to satisfied their wants at the expense of everyone else.   I still don’t believe it, but I know it’s true because I have proof.  Pictures, videos, blogs, messages. Holly told me that she has come clean, that there was nothing else she was hiding, but I keep finding more, I keep catching her in more lies.

I finally met Jan, his ex-wide.  She’s not crazy, she bitter and hurt by 17 years with an unfaithful husband.  She filed for divorce a few years ago, but withdrew it because he promised to get therapy for a sex addiction.

Well, it turns out that the nights he was supposed to be going to therapy, he was visiting us.  It wasn’t long before Holly began asking me to take the kids to the movies and swimming while he visited.  I still thought his wife was nuts and so I figured he needed some time with a good friend. Well, it turns out that the were having sex in my apartment while I was with the kids.  Not only that, they were broadcasting it over our web cam.

I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it did, and in a way that I could never, ever have imagined.    Jan found CD’s that Kevin had hidden in their garage.  One of them has pictured of Holly having sex with another couple.  Another had a video of Holly having sex with our dog!!!.  Jan turned the video of Holly with our dog over to the police. They came to the house, took our computer and cited her for Lewd Behavior with an Animal. She ended up pleading guilty and got a fine.

So, you can see why I now have custody of the kids.  She has serious problems.  She sees them once or twice a week, but not nearly as much as she could if she really wanted to.  It’s probably better for the kids in the long run, although it is very hard on them.

I was stupid and blind.  Maybe I just didn’t want to let myself believe what I feared was true.

Well, anyway, that’s the story of my divorce.  

Pornography – What Turns You On?

I’ve been wanting to do a post about pornography for a while now, but I just haven’t had the time. This is a subject that I really haven’t had many discussions about with others, especially my female friends. I am a firm believer that women have as much of a right as men to enjoy pornography if they wish.

One of the blogs I follow is Our Porn, Ourselves that has the tagline, “Women like to watch porn. Deal with it.” In their Origins section of the blog, they have the following to say:

For women who are pro-porn and all those who support us. WE are the answer to anti-porn feminists. All genders welcome.

A little further down we find:

We women are tired of people trying to control our sexuality by telling us what we should or shouldn’t like sexually (porn) based on what someone else thinks is best for us. It’s like keeping women in a perpetual state of being children about sex. And women who say they are feminists make it worse by discounting all the women who find porn to be an empowering sex toy. Or if not, to at least give us the benefit of the doubt that we can make that decision for ourselves, thank you very much.

Bravo!

I’m not about to go into the different types of porn. That isn’t what I want to talk about. This is about what kind(s) of porn turn us on. Since I can only speak to my preference, this is what I shall do. I hope that this will spawn a discussion where others will share what kind of porn turns them on and why.

My brand of porn is pretty specific. To sum it up in just a few words: women having orgasms. There are few things that I find more sexually exciting and stimulating than seeing a woman (or women if the case may be) having an orgasm. The reason is simple; it goes straight to what turns me on when I am with a partner(s), and to the very core of my approach to sex and relationships; giving pleasure.

Even when I was a teen, first discovering my sexuality and my body, my fantasies always included me pleasing (read “making her cum”) whoever it was that I was fantasizing about. For me, in both my fantasies and in my relationships, the sexual experience was not complete unless I had pleased my partner at least once. Of course, I always encourage and work toward multiple orgasms for all. Basically, I need to make sure that she is pleased. If I cum before her, that is never the end of things, but the beginning of more pleasure for her and, hopefully, both of us.

This is easily accomplished in my fantasies. In reality it takes work, but oh what fun that work is! Now, enough of my background; onto the porn!

I have two favorite sites that I have paid to download videos from in the past; Beautiful Agony and I Feel Myself.

Beautiful Agony (BA) features self-made videos of both women and men having orgasms. They are only allowed to shoot themselves from the shoulders up; no nudity allowed. This allows the focus to remain on the person and their pleasure. Most of the subjects please themselves, but there are some where there is obviously an unseen partner involved. The site also includes self-interviews with some of the people who choose to discuss their sexual lives and experiences, or just describe what they experienced during the making of their orgasm video.

I Feel Myself (IFM) doesn’t have the no nudity rule. Full body shots are the norm as is nudity (but some choose not to be nude). These videos are professionally shot and produced. The lighting and multiple camera angles attest to this. I haven’t researched their filming methods, but I believe that they probably set up the lighting and cameras, make sure things look good from all angles, start the cameras, and leave the room. I would think they would have to since I’m sure many people would be too self-conscious with a film crew in the room while they are doing their thing.

Another difference between IFM and BA is that on IFM the focus is exclusively on female subjects. This doesn’t mean that men don’t make an appearance, they do occasionally, but they are not the focus of the videos; their partner’s pleasure is. There are many more videos there that have female partners, often multiple partners. In these cases, the focus in often, but not always, on showing the mutual pleasure of all involved.

I believe that the people who created IFM were somehow involved with BA because many of the subjects on IFM were originally seen on BA. It just may be that the producers of IFM reached out to the subjects from BA, or that the subjects from BA found themselves drawn toward IFM. The truth is probably a combination of all three.

These are both pay sites. I’ve had memberships in the past and during that time downloaded a fair amount of videos that I still watch.

I want to explain how I view the differences between the videos from both sites and why I may choose one over another depending on my mood.

IFM is much more direct. We see kisses and caresses. We see fingers and tongues on clitorises. We see fingers inside vaginas. We see and hear every sound, every body movement, every facial expression, every convulsion and contraction. When I am in the mood not to have to use too much of my imagination, either because I’m tired or too lazy, this is where I turn for my porn.

When I want to use my imagination a lot and still get the visual stimulation of porn, BA is my choice. One fascinating thing about watching a BA video, is the sound.

I think most of us don’t really think much about the sounds that exist during our sexual encounters, but if we stopped to think about it, we’d realize that the sounds are just as arousing as the tactile stimuli of touching, kissing, licking and penetration. Watching a BA video brings this part of our sexuality home.

I’ve come to consciously appreciate the sounds of sex. Not just the moans and grunts and cries, but the wet, frantic sounds of rubbing, and fingering. There are the sounds of vibrators, the squeaking of beds, the slurping of a partner giving oral pleasure. I am at the point that in my own self-pleasing, that imagining the sounds of sex is as important as imagining the tactile sensations.

There are a few other sources of porn that I occasionally seek out. One is self-made porn. You know, the grainy, shot-from-their-webcam, kind. Another one is Cytherea, otherwise know as squirt woman. This is the only professionally made porn (as in the LA porn profession) that I frequent. The last one is very new to me and it is a Japanese series call Clitoris Climax. The thing they all have in common, of course, is women having orgasms.

The self-made porn is pretty straight forward. It is women in their own homes having orgasms through just about any means you can; masturbation or with a partner; manually, orally, and intercourse. I prefer the ones with partners because, well, it is what I’d want to be doing with someone if I could.

Cytherea is part of the genre of female ejaculation. Originally, I thought it had to be fake. No one could squat that much, that often. Although, if you watch the videos it becomes clear that this woman is for real. The convulsions, shudders, sounds, and facial expressions just ring true. Either that, or she is the greatest actress who has ever lived! I’ve had partners who ejaculate when they orgasm and I know what it looks and feels like. Cytherea is just a very extreme example of this.

What I love about her videos is not the squirting. It is the focus on the women’s pleasure. There are always other women in the videos besides her. In every one I’ve seen, it is the women’s orgasms that are central to the videos. Yes, there are men in them and the men have orgasms, but their orgasms are not glorified, as if that is what sex is all about. When the men cum, it is often inside the woman. Ok, there are some cum shots but somehow they are edited in such a way as to keep the focus on the woman because we see something very real and honest here; when the man cums it is adding to the woman’s pleasure.

Finally, there is the Japanese Clitoris Climax videos. In these videos, we are introduced to one woman. The entire video is focused on stimulating her clitoris in many different ways; orally, manually, vibrators on her clit, her vulva, in her vagina, clamp, feathers, and an odd assortment of other objects. I think these videos probably fall into BDSM because the main purpose seems to be, not just to make a woman climax, but to push her way, way past that point. Which causes her to instinctively curl up into a ball because she is so overstimulated from the orgasm. So far, I think I find these videos more fascinating than arousing.

Porn can be fun and helpful at times. Sometimes it gets us in the mood, other times it gets us over the edge when we need that extra little boost.

So there it is; that is my porn. Tell me about yours.

Narcissism and Sex – It Can Scar You For Life

This was originally posted in my journal on deviantart.com. I thought it was worth sharing here as well.

It is 6:35am and I haven’t slept at all. My mind just won’t stop long enough for me to fall asleep. It’s not that I’m worried about anything, if anything, I have less overall to worry about lately. Maybe it is that this past couple of weeks have gone so well that I’m afraid I’m going to lose it all.

It’s those stupid, irrational, nagging things like the car I just bought will break down and cost a mint to repair. Or maybe something goes wrong with the move to the new place. The worse; what if she stops loving me?

I’ve had so many loses in my life, both parents, a sister, two marriages, jobs, love. It’s that last one that is the hardest to deal with and the hardest to get over. You would think that the death of a loved one would be the hardest, but death is a part of our existence and most of us instinctively know how to assimilate the lose of someone we love into our existence, even as intensely painful as it is. But love, that is the act of a huge part of yourself over to another. You trust that person with your emotions and your heart. When that is ripped away from you through betrayal or carelessness or thoughtlessness it utterly shatters your whole world. Your sense of safety, your sense of self-worth are crushed. It is by far the worse pain and profoundly deepest loss I have ever experienced in my life. So now, just the hint of the possibility of another loss like that creates an irrational, panic fueled fear. No amount of “looking at things rationally” can quell it. As I wrote in my new blog, “The problem is that love isn’t rational, it is emotional. It is one of the most powerful emotions any of us can ever know. Love is irrational by it’s very nature.”

I guess that’s why I take medication for anxiety and see a therapist. Why does it seem so hard to just accept the happiness I have without constantly worrying about losing it?

Maybe it’s the fact that I hardly slept the night before either. Maybe I’ve gotten so used to loss, hurt, and disappointment that I have forgotten how to allow myself to be happy. I think that may be it; I can’t ALLOW myself. In both marriages, love was conditional. There was always a price to be paid somehow. Something was always expected in return. When I love someone, I give my love, my heart if you will, unconditionally, totally, with never a thought of what I might get in return. Even after 18 stupid fucking years of this, I went into my second marriage and did the exact same thing! I can’t help it and I wouldn’t change that about me if I could. For me, love is something that has to be given freely simply because you love that person and want more than anything for them to be happy. But after over 20 years of being the one who gives everything; love, pleasure, sex, happiness, you name it; I feel so cheated.

Let me give you a very personal example. It involves sex. People somehow always separate love and sex in a relationship for some reason. Stupid. Sex is such a powerful act that when given freely can create an intimacy that almost nothing else can. But sex given conditionally, or sometimes not at all, creates emptiness and a very deep loneliness. That being said, let’s get to the example.

I have always been a very giving person sexually. I love to please the person I’m with more than anything. My problem with relationships is that I seem to have ended up with sexually greedy women. They take everything I give, but give so little in return. For some reason, both my wives seemed to think that the only real orgasm a man should have is during intercourse. Even though I gave them countless orgasms with mouth, tongue, fingers, hands, vibrators, dildos, and probably a few other ways I can’t even remember now, they gave almost nothing in return. I can honestly say, and I’ve thought about this a lot, that during the past 20 or so years, I only reached orgasm through means other than intercourse no more than 20 time. That’s once per year.

Why is this so important to me? Because I feel cheated. I accepted things as they were just assuming that if I just tried a little harder to please them, did just a little more to make them happy then maybe things would be different. Having someone you love be selfish with their intimacy, greedy with their sexuality is something that causes resentment and loneliness to slowly grow until you find yourself in bed with a virtual stranger. When you finally decide to just ask them to please you in a different way, you get resentment and grudging quiescence. Sex is no fun when your pleasure is treated as a chore.

Relationships are so fucking complicated, but I’ve always, and still do, approach them simply; give your love because you love them. Make them happy because seeing them happy makes me you happy. Unfortunately the women I’ve ended up with haven’t approached relationships that way. For them, it seems to have been what they can get from it. It is narcissism pure and simple.

That’s why I’m so hesitant and scared to date. That’s why even though I am loved unconditionally, I am in constant fear of losing that. That’s why I can’t sleep at night.

I’m going to try to sleep for a while now. I know life is good. I see things improving all around me and I am happier than I’ve been in decades. I’m also scared of losing it all, for no good reason at all. Right now I’m in tears, which doesn’t help me to write very well. I’m crying because I’m so happy that I love and I am loved, but I’m crying out of pure fear as well. Fuck me! When I think of pleasure and pain going together, this wasn’t quite what I had in mind. 😉