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Tags: bi-polar, depression, mental illness
“Bipolar II disorder is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by at least one hypomanic episode and at least one major depressive episode; with this disorder, depressive episodes are more frequent and more intense than manic episodes. It is believed to be under-diagnosed because hypomanic behavior often presents as high-functioning behavior. Those with Bipolar II are at highest risk of suicide among the bipolar spectrum. Hypomania in Bipolar II may manifest itself in disorganized racing thoughts, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, or all of the above combined. Because these agitated symptoms are negative, it may be difficult to distinguish a Bipolar II manic state from depression.”
That last sentence is the really important one. After seeing a psychiatrist today, it seems that I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression for years. She said that people with bipolar II can go from normal to hypomanic, and because there may be no depressive episodes for years, they may not even be aware that anything is wrong. Since I was a teenager I used to have periods where I would be energized, up all night, reading, writing, or whatever. I could go for a week or more with only a couple hours sleep a night. This kind of thing has happened ever since. I just thought that it was my mind racing, that I just couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming, so I’d just stay up and read, watch TV, or go on the computer.
For the past 14 years, I’ve had depressive episodes. Some lasted week or months. I was diagnosed with depression about 12 or so years ago and treated as such. It wasn’t until just recently, after my primary care doctor added a new depression medication, that I started having wild mood swings, from hypomanic to crushing depression, sometimes all in one day. Apparently, if you take too high a dose of anti-depressant, you can have these hypomanic episodes more often and they will be stronger, as will the depressive episodes. So I guess it is a good thing this happened since I now have a good diagnosis and I am starting on a mood stabilizer, which also treats the depression that comes with the bi-polar disorder.
It will take about a month before the real effects will be seen. We are removing one of the anti-depressants. Not only was it not needed, that, in combination with the other anti-depressant can cause high blood pressure. Not good. I suppose that’s why family doctors shouldn’t be prescribing psychogenic medications
Tags: emotions, Happiness, love, sadness
I don’t understand how I can be happy and sad at the same time. It is such a strange feeling. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before. I feel so happy because so many good things have been happening in my life lately. I have so much to be thankful for; my kids, my job, my friends; my ability to write; and love, lots and lots of love from the most amazing, beautiful people. Their love is so beautiful that it leaves me speechless; breathless. Still, there is this sadness, like a deep, dull aching. I don’t understand what that is or why I feel it. It is like this desperate need to hold on tight to someone for hours; to feel their warmth; their breath against my cheek; their head on my shoulder; their arms holding me tight. Where does that come from? It is such a weird mix of feelings.
I am reading the book, The Object of My Affection by Rokelle Lerner. A friend suggested that I read it since she felt that my experiences with both my wives indicated that they were narcissists. I’ve just started reading the book but already, in the first chapter, I have found two quotes that perfectly describe my relationships.
“It’s baffling when the person you fell in love with, who used to treat you so lovingly and thoughtfully, suddenly acts like you are an annoyance-or worse, the enemy. It’s painful to watch this person in public, treating people with respect and generosity and doing nice things such as acknowledging their birthdays-while consistently ignoring you. Your friends may think he’s quite a catch; people may adore him. And you may begin to feel as if there’s something desperately wrong with you.”
“When you’re in relationship with a narcissist, you relinquish your identity and your soul to them. Their seduction is similar to a razor-sharp stiletto being waved in your face: it’s so mesmerizing, you won’t know you’re bleeding to death until it’s too late. But it’s not your blood that a narcissist wants-it’s your emotional energy and your individuality. A true narcissist has no qualms about taking your money, your love, your admiration, your body, or your soul to satisfy their unquenchable hunger. And just as vampires cringe when they’re in the presence of crosses or holy water, narcissists recoil at ordinary adult experiences such as boredom, uncertainty, accountability, and, most of all, having to give as well as receive.”
These were my wives, my marriages, and my feelings, there on the page, as if I had written them as a description of my life. I have been trying to make sense of how I could have ended up with two women who I gave everything to, and who then took, and took, and took, but never gave back, unless it served to somehow benefit them.
These women convinced me that they loved me, cherished me, wanted me, but in the end, only cared about what they could get from the me. Once they realized they had taken all I had to offer, they moved on, leaving me alone and sure that it was all my fault.
Even though I now understand why they did what they did, because they were narcissists, I am left with irrational fears of being rejected, of never being good enough, of being left alone again. I live with these fears every day. I am almost constantly on edge, just one step away from another panic attack. I am always looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even though I trust the people in my life that I love, I live in constant fear that they will just leave, or worse, become disinterested and reject me. Even as I write this, the terror of being ignored; rejected, is palpable. I am on medication for depression and anxiety. I practice deep breathing and meditation to help calm myself. Nevertheless, the pure fear lurks just beyond my reach, waiting to envelop and destroy me. Or so it seems, anyway.
Supposedly, this book is supposed to help those who have suffered at the hands of narcissists. Let’s hope so.
Tags: love, parenting, relationships, sex
Welcome to my new blog! This blog is about parenting, relationships, love, trust, and sex. Let me tell you a little bit about myself.
I am twice divorced (ok, the second one is still in process), father of a 13 year old girl and 16 year old boy.
I have been having many wonderful conversations with friends and fellow bloggers about parenting, sex, relationships, sex, love, sex, trust, and sex. I won’t try to focus on any one area or topic (except sex because, well, it’s sex!).
Seriously, I feel like I need an outlet for these issues and a place where helpful and fun discussions can take place.
So if you are a parent, in or have been in a relationship, have or are in love, and really, really like sex, this is the place to share your thoughts and experiences.