Posts Tagged 'hurt pain anger'

Narcissism in Action

I’ve written here before about my kids’ mother and how she neglects our son.  Well she has sunk to a new low.  I’ve mentioned before that my son has Aspergers, ADHA, and mood disorder.  He has been having a really tough time over the past few months.  I won’t go into details except to say that we have faced several major crisises lately.  This past weekend we were dealt with the most serious crisis to date.

My son asked if he could stay with his mom for a few days, to clear his head and get out of the environment that he felt trapped in.  His sister is at the end of her rope with all the stress and turmoil and also desperately wanted her brother out of the house for a few days.

I’d asked this of their mom once before, under similar circumstances and was told that she didn’t have the room.  I said that he wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch.  She said that the cats would bother him.  I told her that he didn’t mind the cats.  She then said that we had an understanding that the kids didn’t sleep over at her place.  She went on about how she never had the space or resources to keep them overnight since she was having to pay out so much in child support.

I called their mom and asked if she could take him for a few days, impressing on her the seriousness of the situation and how our kids were both desperate for this, that our family was in crisis.  She spouted off the same excuses that she’d made before.  I told her that she needed to step up to the plate and make some sacrifices for the good of her children. She got angry with me and told me that I’d made my choice years ago to keep the kids and that, basically, I’d just have to deal with it.  At this point I was so upset that I handed the phone back to my daughter.

Their mom said that she’d come a pick up our son and keep him for a few hours.  An hour later, he was back home.  Shortly after that, she posted the following on her Facebook page.  Now, I don’t follow her on Facebook.  I’d never, ever want her on my friends list, but my daughter had been using my fiancee’s laptop to check her Facebook page and after getting the laptop back saw the following posts by the kids’ mom.

I refuse to be manipulated or made to feel guilty. If you try to do this….you will lose. I don’t care who you are. I am not stupid. Shame on you for trying.

  • Comments
    • Patty Kuehn Yikes what happen Holly? U r like a panther with a cub….beautiful and full of life but u will not be crossed!

      Saturday at 10:17pm · Like
    • Holly Ferguson thanks Patty…my ex pushed me too far and now he will realize his mistake. You always make me feel better 🙂
    • Holly Ferguson lol…I can’t wait!!! lololol Can we make him a code 20 🙂

      Saturday at 10:33pm · Like
    • Patty Kuehn Yep….that’s funny…code 20….hahahahaha

      Saturday at 10:50pm · Like
    • Jake Raterman holly just tell me the plan and il help in any way possible….

      Yesterday at 12:04am · Like

Mind you, she is on both our kids’ friends list so that they can see all of her status updates.  My daughter saw it and was incensed and told her mom that she needed to stop acting like a 2nd grader.  As for me, I could care less what she says about me, but when she does things like this to get my kids upset, especially when she knows they are already under tremendous stress, I get royally pissed off.  There is no point in trying to talk to her about it, she will just throw another hissy fit.

This, once again, is a prime example of narcissism in action.  It is all about her.  Her needs and desires come before anyone else’s, including her children’s.  Everything becomes about her trying to make herself look good or feel good about herself.  This means that she is incapable of admitting faults or accepting any responsibility whatsoever for the consequences of her actions.

I knew from the the time that she left that someday my kids would learn the hard way just what kind of person their mother is.  Even though I’ve known this would play out just like it has, it still breaks my heart to see the pain and anguish she has visited upon them with her petty selfishness.

Dredging up Old Emotions

I posted the last post because it helps to put this one in context.

I’ve been dealing with my ex’s again, all in the same week. They are so full of themselves, and everything is always about them.  Dealing with them really brings up just how alone I’ve been for the past two decades.

My kids had appointments with their therapists yesterday.  Their mother (I use “mother” instead of “mom” here because, like the old saying about dads goes, anyone woman can be a mother, but it takes a special woman to be a mom) didn’t bother to tell me about the appointment until the afternoon before.  This meant I had to get up an hour earlier yesterday so I could get to work earlier, so that I could leave work early for the appointment.  I’m pretty sure she does things like this just to piss me off.

I got almost no sleep the night before the appointment so I was exhausted and already annoyed about the lack of warning about the appointment, when I started my day.  Adding to my mood is what happened the day before.

The kids had Monday and Tuesday off school.  On Monday, their mother came and got my daughter and took her to lunch and the mall.  When I got home that evening, my son asked me if I knew where his sister was so I told him that she was with his mother.  He got really upset.  They never even told him that they were going out.  Now, I don’t expect his sister to tell him because she is a bit selfish with the time she spends with her mother, but his mother had no excuse for not taking him with them.  This isn’t the first time it’s happened.  This is a regular occurrence.  I’ve talked to her about it before and she just gives bullshit excuses, like the narcissistic bitch she is.

By the time the appointment came around, I was even more tired, and all that much more pissed off.  As I was walking in, I see the kids and their mother; and the douche bag she is married to.  Fuck me!  Now I’m seriously pissed off.  This guy is the biggest scumbag I’ve ever seen.  I won’t go into all the reasons here, but he is a true piece of shit.  The fact that my kids spend any time with him at all galls me to no end.

The appointments went well.  As for the douchey duo, the only satisfaction I could take out of seeing them is that she said that she had the worse migraine that she’s ever had; small consolation.

I am not a person who gets resentful or plays the pity card.  I don’t like to wallow, but I can’t help feeling resentful when I see that cunt with her fuck face of a husband.  Why the fuck should they have each other when I have to deal with raising the kids alone and deal with everything alone?  I know, who ever said life was fair?   It sure as hell isn’t fair and it pisses me off.    Yesterday it pissed me off more than it ever has.

Yeah, I know I’m a good person; I’m a good dad; I was a good husband.  I’ve had more women than I can count tell me how nice and wonderful I am and how I’d make any woman happy (yeah, except them, of course!)  All that is well and good, but it gets me nothing.  Not. A.  Fucking.  Thing.   I’ve been told that I deserve better; I’ve been told that I deserve the best;  my response?:  Yeah? So fucking what?  That cunt and her fuck-face husband deserve to live alone in misery, but they aren’t.   

The fact is that there is no justice in this world.  Wishing that I had someone who wants to put as much love and energy into me as I do into her doesn’t make it happen.  Wishing, hoping; they change nothing.   Wishing is how we assuage our fears that things we want to happen probably won’t.  Hope is our mind’s way of fooling ourselves into believing that life isn’t as arbitrary and unfair as it really is.  This isn’t cynicism; it is how the world works.

So yeah, I’m god damned fucking livid that I have spent the past 23 years trying to make women happy who have no capacity to be happy; who managed to use my love and kindness to manipulate me into giving them everything they asked for while never giving anything back; who left me alone, in anguish, even while we were still together.  

Who would have thought that something as simple as seeing those two together would dredge up so much anger?  I’ve seen them together countless times before and it’s never bothered me.  What made this time different?  I have no idea.  

I thought that I was over the anger a long time ago.  I guess not.  I see now that, most likely, it will never completely go away.  It will just pop up when I least expect it.  Fuck me!