Posts Tagged 'rejection'

Single Parenting in Times of Crisis

My son has been having one life crisis after another.  Last week’s was the most serious.  I won’t get into any details in order to protect his privacy, but I will say that there have been multiple therapists, counselors, doctors, psychiatrists involved, as well as an emergency room visit.  All this has taken quite a toll on myself and my family.  

As for me, besides the stress of dealing with his issues, I still have to work and I have no time off left for the rest of the year.  Almost all of it was used dealing with issues with my son.  I can’t afford to take FMLA because, unlike in every other modern, industrialized country in the world, I don’t get paid for FMLA type time off.  No one does.  All of these visits with therapists, counselors, doctors, and psychiatrists involve appointments, usually for at least an hour.  An hour appointment off work for me means at least two to three hours, depending on travel time to and from.  Add to this a couple of court dates which require half to whole days, and things are extremely difficult and stressful for me.

The one very huge silver lining in all this is Lorraine.  Not only does she support me by just being there for me; giving me a shoulder to lean/cry on; an ear to listen; and a refuge from the world, but she also has made herself available to watch my son, who can’t be left alone at all for now.  If it wasn’t for her, my son would be in an inpatient program because I’d have no way to watch him while I’m working.  

My son’s mother is absolutely no help at all.  She says that she can’t take time off work (as if I can).  Her husband works evenings, as far as I know.  She also works some evenings as well so you would think that between the two of them they could take him for most of the day during the 5 day work week.  As I tole his therapist, his mother makes no effort to help with her son, or even spend time with him.  The only time she does is when I mention to her that she and our daughter spend a lot of time together and they go to lunch and dinner a lot without our son.  Then she will take him for a few hours.  She also buys our daughter things all the time while our son gets nothing from her.  

I can deal with this because I know she’s a lying narcissist who doesn’t want, or can’t, deal with the issue our son has.  What gets me absolutely livid is the effect this has on our son. After every time he sees her, or his sister and her go out without him, he becomes depressed and angry and that’s when the outbursts happen.  Granted, this is just a part of his stress, but even though he doesn’t say so, it is obvious to me that he is terrible hurt and feels abandoned by his mother.  Given that he had a bad relationship with my second wife, he really hasn’t had a good relationship with an adult female since he was little. I don’t expect Lorraine to fill this role.  It may be that she eventually does, but right now my son is too hurt and angry to let his guard down.  He has, however, requested a lot of hugs from Lorraine and he obviously likes her a lot, so that has to be helping a little.  

For Lorraine’s part, she’s more than willing to help however she can.  Given that she has a son who has very similar development and behavioral issues as mine, she has a real understanding of my son and how to deal with him, unlike my last wife or even his own mother.  But, I refuse to make her responsible for my son.  It isn’t her job.  I gratefully accept any help she offers because my son responds well to her and because it is either that or put him somewhere in an inpatient program.

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True Fiction

I don’t usually post poems as blog entries, but I thought this would fit here since it explores my feelings of being unwanted and undesirable. It all ties back into my sense of unworthiness. This poem is fictional in it’s details, but is based on several events with two different women that really happened. Needless to say, they were sort of ego killers. It’s been five years for since one of the events and six months since the other. I haven’t had much luck with women, as those who regularly read this know. I haven’t mentioned these events before because, compared to my two marriages, they are pretty minor. Still, they just add to the sense of undesirability and unworthiness I feel in general. My therapist said that I deal with things by writing about them. She’s right. Anyway, here’s the poem.

You told me you wanted me
As you took me in your arms.
Your hands undressing me,
Your lips kissing me all over
As you caressed and
Prepared me for your pleasure.
As you moved above me,
Grinding yourself to climax,
It was as if I wasn’t there,
Except what was inside you.
You rolled over and
Begrudged me my pleasure,
And then you rose,
Washed and dressed, then left,
Never even kissing me goodbye.
When I finally got in touch,
After so many unanswered calls,
You said that you were drunk,
That, although I was kind,
The wine made me more
Desirable than I really was.
You said it was a mistake,
That you were sure there was
Some woman who might want me,
Maybe.
“Don’t call me anymore”
Why would I want to,
When all I was to you
Was an organ to ride?
Thanks for reminding me
What I always try to forget.
This is why I never go out.
It’s better to be lonely
Than used and discarded.
When will I ever learn.