It’s Been a Long Time

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything here.  Things have been crazy busy and sometimes just crazy.

I started a new job back in June, which I love.  It also pays a lot more than my last job.  I’m back to making what I used to 5 years ago before the market went south, I got laid off, and had to take a 17K pay cut.  The extra $$$ coming in, as well as what Lorraine brings in had make a huge difference.  Not only have I got to the point where I’m not struggling to get from payday to payday, but we now have extra to get things we need but haven’t been able to.  Not only that, but we’ve been able to get somethings we actually want as well!

The biggest thing that I have been dealing with is my son.  I explained some of the issued he was having in an earlier post.  Things just got worse from there.

Since then, things have just gotten worse.  It was strongly recommended that he be placed on Boys Town, which has and excellent residential residential programs for kids like him.  I’ve been working tirelessly since June to get him in there.  There have been multiple visits to doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, as well an intervention by family crisis workers as well.

In August, after a psychological evaluation he was finally accepted to Boys Town.   The problem is that, after what my insurance would pay, they would still need $5000 at admittance and then $400+ a day!   For the minimum 6 month stay that would be $25,000!  Needless to day, I don’t have anywhere near those resource.  I figure I’d have to be making at least $200,000 a year to be able to afford that.  If we were official poor, then medicaid and other government services would pay for it.  It’s the old catch-22; not remotely rich enough and not poor.

I called the assistance county attorney who know Alex from his truancy issues.  I explained the situation she recommend making him a dependent of the state.  That became official three weeks ago.  At that time, the state was ordered to gather all the evidence and make an official recommendation for a level of care.  He was assigned a case worker from CPS and another from Nebraska Family Collaborative, a non-profit that are the ones responsible for making all the arrangements for getting him the court ordered level of care.  The next court date was scheduled for the following week.  Kelly, from Nebraska Family Collaborative, called me and told me that she would be at court for that date and that she’d have all the paperwork needed. He was also assigned a guardian ad litem who will represent his best interests in court.

At the next court date, Kelly was not there.  There two people see sent in her place did not have any of the paper work needed.  The judge was not happy with this at all and order another date as soon as possible. This was on a Thursday afternoon.  I called and left messages for Kelly as well as three different supervisors at Nebraska Family Collaborative and never received a call back from any of them.

The next court date was schedule for this past Wednesday at 8:30am.  This time Kelly was there and had the paperwork.  The judge order that Alex be placed into Boys Town and that the state had until November 22nd on which date he would be removed from the home.  If they can’t get him into Boys Town by that date then they must place him in a suitable temporary facility that provides the ordered level of care.

The level of care that the court determined that he needs is one in which he has 24×7 supervision and guidance, that will give him the psychological and behavioral therapy as well as medical needs that he requires.

I spoke to Kelly yesterday (after leaving numerous messages for two days).  She said that Magellan denied to pay for the level of care that the court ordered.  She said that her supervisors were working on it.  I asked her about temporary facilities and she said that she had applied to several.  I asked her what will happen if she can’t get him into any of these by Tuesday (this was on Friday).  She said that she could try to find a foster home.  This, plainly, is bullshit.

I will refuse to give up physical custody if they intend to put him in with a foster family.  The whole point of this is that he be where he can get the level of care he needs.  If I can’t provide that 24×7 level of care, how in the hell can a foster parent who doesn’t even know him?

I plan on contacting the county  assistance attorney and let her know about the situation first thing Monday morning.  If these people at Kelly’s organization can come up with something by Monday afternoon, I will insist on a hearing with the judge to allow me to keep Alex in my home until the state gets their shit together.  I also will petition the court to order the state to get in into Boys Town within the week or ask that they be held in contempt.  I am also going to call around to lawyers who handle cases like this and if I must, I will sure CPS and Nebraska Family Collaborative, for force them to pay to have him put into Boys Town.  This is my son and I will not let anyone stand in the way of what is best for him.

On the bright side, Lorraine and I are engaged to be married!  She and her some moved in with us in July.  My kids really love her and she is just wonderful to them.  She is such an honest, caring, and down to earth person.  She is also intelligent, strong, and self-assured.  In addition to that, she is an excellent cook and a talented crafter, making t-shirts, crocheting and other things like that.  The wedding is scheduled for this coming May with a honeymoon in the Poconos.

Narcissism in Action

I’ve written here before about my kids’ mother and how she neglects our son.  Well she has sunk to a new low.  I’ve mentioned before that my son has Aspergers, ADHA, and mood disorder.  He has been having a really tough time over the past few months.  I won’t go into details except to say that we have faced several major crisises lately.  This past weekend we were dealt with the most serious crisis to date.

My son asked if he could stay with his mom for a few days, to clear his head and get out of the environment that he felt trapped in.  His sister is at the end of her rope with all the stress and turmoil and also desperately wanted her brother out of the house for a few days.

I’d asked this of their mom once before, under similar circumstances and was told that she didn’t have the room.  I said that he wouldn’t mind sleeping on the couch.  She said that the cats would bother him.  I told her that he didn’t mind the cats.  She then said that we had an understanding that the kids didn’t sleep over at her place.  She went on about how she never had the space or resources to keep them overnight since she was having to pay out so much in child support.

I called their mom and asked if she could take him for a few days, impressing on her the seriousness of the situation and how our kids were both desperate for this, that our family was in crisis.  She spouted off the same excuses that she’d made before.  I told her that she needed to step up to the plate and make some sacrifices for the good of her children. She got angry with me and told me that I’d made my choice years ago to keep the kids and that, basically, I’d just have to deal with it.  At this point I was so upset that I handed the phone back to my daughter.

Their mom said that she’d come a pick up our son and keep him for a few hours.  An hour later, he was back home.  Shortly after that, she posted the following on her Facebook page.  Now, I don’t follow her on Facebook.  I’d never, ever want her on my friends list, but my daughter had been using my fiancee’s laptop to check her Facebook page and after getting the laptop back saw the following posts by the kids’ mom.

Holly Ferguson

I refuse to be manipulated or made to feel guilty. If you try to do this….you will lose. I don’t care who you are. I am not stupid. Shame on you for trying.

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Mind you, she is on both our kids’ friends list so that they can see all of her status updates.  My daughter saw it and was incensed and told her mom that she needed to stop acting like a 2nd grader.  As for me, I could care less what she says about me, but when she does things like this to get my kids upset, especially when she knows they are already under tremendous stress, I get royally pissed off.  There is no point in trying to talk to her about it, she will just throw another hissy fit.

This, once again, is a prime example of narcissism in action.  It is all about her.  Her needs and desires come before anyone else’s, including her children’s.  Everything becomes about her trying to make herself look good or feel good about herself.  This means that she is incapable of admitting faults or accepting any responsibility whatsoever for the consequences of her actions.

I knew from the the time that she left that someday my kids would learn the hard way just what kind of person their mother is.  Even though I’ve known this would play out just like it has, it still breaks my heart to see the pain and anguish she has visited upon them with her petty selfishness.

Sensual Delights

Sensual: relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses or the indulgence of appetite. [merriam-webster.com]

When you hear the word “sensual”, you probably think of sex, and well you should; sex is one of the most intense, intimate, and pleasurable activities our senses can experience. There is, however, another very valid and important aspect of sensuality that relates to the word “appetite”, and that is food.

Sex and food are often intertwined, and for good reason. They are both, in their own ways, very powerful experiences of our senses. Food consist of more than just taste; there is smell, texture, and the feeling of being satiated after eating.

I’ve discovered lately, from very person experience, just how powerful a combination food and sex can be. Lorraine and I are both good cooks. We have been making wonderful food together, just as we have been making wonderful love together. We’ve found that the act of preparing, cooking, and eating delicious food together heightens our physical desire for each other. Maybe it is the orgasmic sounds we make while enjoying a delicious meal; I’m sure some of it is that we are physically close in the kitchen while preparing and cooking. Still, even when we have gone out to a good restaurant to eat, our desire for each other grows with each bite of food we share.

This experience works in reverse as well. After intense, delicious sex, we find ourselves hungry for food. Our favorites? Caesar salad if it is before bedtime, BLTs the rest of the time. I can tell you that the rush we get from our lovemaking only increases the pleasure of our after-sex snack.

Sensuality of one kind feeds on that of the other. Good food shared stokes our physical desire for each other and the physical pleasure shared from that desire creates hunger, which leads to more physical desire. It is a beautiful combination. Now, let’s just hope that we burn enough calories in the one endeavor to offset the calories consumed in the other.

Single Parenting in Times of Crisis

My son has been having one life crisis after another.  Last week’s was the most serious.  I won’t get into any details in order to protect his privacy, but I will say that there have been multiple therapists, counselors, doctors, psychiatrists involved, as well as an emergency room visit.  All this has taken quite a toll on myself and my family.  

As for me, besides the stress of dealing with his issues, I still have to work and I have no time off left for the rest of the year.  Almost all of it was used dealing with issues with my son.  I can’t afford to take FMLA because, unlike in every other modern, industrialized country in the world, I don’t get paid for FMLA type time off.  No one does.  All of these visits with therapists, counselors, doctors, and psychiatrists involve appointments, usually for at least an hour.  An hour appointment off work for me means at least two to three hours, depending on travel time to and from.  Add to this a couple of court dates which require half to whole days, and things are extremely difficult and stressful for me.

The one very huge silver lining in all this is Lorraine.  Not only does she support me by just being there for me; giving me a shoulder to lean/cry on; an ear to listen; and a refuge from the world, but she also has made herself available to watch my son, who can’t be left alone at all for now.  If it wasn’t for her, my son would be in an inpatient program because I’d have no way to watch him while I’m working.  

My son’s mother is absolutely no help at all.  She says that she can’t take time off work (as if I can).  Her husband works evenings, as far as I know.  She also works some evenings as well so you would think that between the two of them they could take him for most of the day during the 5 day work week.  As I tole his therapist, his mother makes no effort to help with her son, or even spend time with him.  The only time she does is when I mention to her that she and our daughter spend a lot of time together and they go to lunch and dinner a lot without our son.  Then she will take him for a few hours.  She also buys our daughter things all the time while our son gets nothing from her.  

I can deal with this because I know she’s a lying narcissist who doesn’t want, or can’t, deal with the issue our son has.  What gets me absolutely livid is the effect this has on our son. After every time he sees her, or his sister and her go out without him, he becomes depressed and angry and that’s when the outbursts happen.  Granted, this is just a part of his stress, but even though he doesn’t say so, it is obvious to me that he is terrible hurt and feels abandoned by his mother.  Given that he had a bad relationship with my second wife, he really hasn’t had a good relationship with an adult female since he was little. I don’t expect Lorraine to fill this role.  It may be that she eventually does, but right now my son is too hurt and angry to let his guard down.  He has, however, requested a lot of hugs from Lorraine and he obviously likes her a lot, so that has to be helping a little.  

For Lorraine’s part, she’s more than willing to help however she can.  Given that she has a son who has very similar development and behavioral issues as mine, she has a real understanding of my son and how to deal with him, unlike my last wife or even his own mother.  But, I refuse to make her responsible for my son.  It isn’t her job.  I gratefully accept any help she offers because my son responds well to her and because it is either that or put him somewhere in an inpatient program.

Unlearning Your Fears

It is kind of scary how old anxieties and fears can lurk in your mind, even when you don’t have any reason for them.   I’m seeing a wonderful woman now.  Her name is Lorraine.  She is everything I’ve ever wanted, imagined, and hoped for in a partner.  She is so much like me in her experiences and outlook on life; we both have been neglected and emotionally abused; we have both been cheated on and betrayed; we both are looking for the exact same things from a partner; we are both honest and open, thoughtful and kind, caring and attentive; we both love letting the other know how much they mean to us and making them happy.  Add to this our common likes in food, music, TV, movies, and other activities and it is just amazingly wonderful.

Still, I find myself being uneasy.  It isn’t anything she does or says, or doesn’t do, at least not directly.  Let me give an example to try to explain.  

The other day she was quiet.  I asked her why and she said that she was just tired.  She also said that she’s been alone so long that she’s become quieter than she used to be.  I can completely understand this. My problem is that when either of my ex-wives got quiet it always meant that they were upset about something, but wouldn’t tell me what it was, or even admit that there was anything wrong.  They would keep quiet about it, even when I specifically asked if something was wrong; even when I told them I knew something was wrong.  After a while, sometimes days, sometimes weeks, they would finally explode into either a rage, or engage in passive/aggressive behavior, always directed at me, and always making the cause to be my fault.

I can tell that Lorraine is being honest with me.  On the occasions that she has been upset, she has immediately told me why.  But, when you’ve been conditioned to know that quiet means something bad from over 20 years of experience; when that’s all you’ve ever known in a relationship, your first instinct is to assume the worse.  

Lorraine is different, so different.  I understand this, but it is learning to accept this emotionally that is going to be the difficult part.  She is so completely unlike any woman I’ve been involved with, so open and honest, that I just am not used to it, even though this is what I’ve always wanted and hoped for.   It is going to take time to learn to accept that someone can really be just what they seem to be, instead of someone pretending to be someone they are not.  There is so much fear from past rejections, abuses and betrayals that my guard is always up and my knee jerk reaction is to assume the worst.  

I guess I need to be reconditioned to learn to accept that Lorraine is just as honest and open as I am.  I never thought I’d find that in someone else and it is a beautiful thing.  The good thing is that we have all the time in the world.  This isn’t a race; we aren’t moving toward any particular end.  Sure, ultimately I hope, and have reason to believe, that she may be “the one”. I wouldn’t be perusing this relationship if I didn’t hope that this was the case, because I’m not the type to have casual relationships.  Still, I don’t feel that intense desire to be in love, or to make something happen.  Things are very comfortable the way they are and nothing seems forced or contrived, and, despite my fears, I don’t feel the need to constantly be reassured that she cares for me.  I’ve never felt that before in any relationship I’ve been in.  Maybe it is something about her; maybe I’ve just matured; probably it’s a bit of both.

I need to keep reminding myself that Lorraine isn’t Holly or Cindy.  In fact, she is as different from them as anyone could be, which is a good thing.  I also need to keep reminding myself that my fears and anxieties run 20+ years deep, and it will take plenty of time, plus the love, caring, and attention that Lorraine has been showing to me to put those feelings in the past.

Dating For The First Time

I have been dating L for about a week. I never really dated much before, at least not since High School. My first wife and I dated a bit, but it was such an intense, whirlwind romance, that dating really can’t describe it. It was being totally infatuated with each other in that John Lennon/Yoko Ono way. We had to be together every single moment we could. We couldn’t bear being apart.

My second wife caught me three months after my first divorce, nine months after discovering she had been cheating on me. I was a single dad, I had started a new job in a city 65 miles away, I was scared, unsure, and vulnerable. The second one bowled me over with attention: she sent me flowers at work; showed up late at night at my place to crawl into bed with me, unannounced and unexpected; she lavished me with sex and affection.

I was hooked. I was sure that moving in together, 65 miles away in Omaha would be perfect for both of us and our kids. A secure home; secure finances; I wouldn’t have to be alone. Turned out we had almost nothing in common. We fought about the money she spent on her drop-out son. I shut myself up inside myself. I buried who I was to please her, just like I had my first wife.

I met L completely by chance. It was on a dating site that neither of us had visited in a long time: me, six months; her, 4 years. I only went on the site because a friend asked me to tell me what I thought about her profile. I saw that I had a message that had been sent just the day before asking if I was still single and if I would be interested in talking. Why not? I thought. She seemed like someone I would really like from her profile, and she was gorgeous to boot.

That was a week ago. Since then, we have seen each other almost every day. We have made plans to have lunch at her place, a ten minute drive from my work, three days a week. This Friday I am taking her to a very nice lunch for my Birthday. My birthday, my choice. That evening the two of us, my kids, and her son are going to dinner for my birthday. They are coming at the urging of my daughter who really likes L.

This time, there is no mad rush, no sense of moving toward an end point. This time there is just enjoyment in each other’s company and the excitement of getting to know each other. There is much more to it than that, of course. We have talked about most major issues that two single parents need to talk about before getting at all involved with each other. We have so much in common in experiences, outlook on life, and what we want from a relationship. It is a great start. Where it will end up, who knows? Neither of us is trying to push things in any particular direction. It is just nice, comfortable, and fun.

True Fiction

I don’t usually post poems as blog entries, but I thought this would fit here since it explores my feelings of being unwanted and undesirable. It all ties back into my sense of unworthiness. This poem is fictional in it’s details, but is based on several events with two different women that really happened. Needless to say, they were sort of ego killers. It’s been five years for since one of the events and six months since the other. I haven’t had much luck with women, as those who regularly read this know. I haven’t mentioned these events before because, compared to my two marriages, they are pretty minor. Still, they just add to the sense of undesirability and unworthiness I feel in general. My therapist said that I deal with things by writing about them. She’s right. Anyway, here’s the poem.

You told me you wanted me
As you took me in your arms.
Your hands undressing me,
Your lips kissing me all over
As you caressed and
Prepared me for your pleasure.
As you moved above me,
Grinding yourself to climax,
It was as if I wasn’t there,
Except what was inside you.
You rolled over and
Begrudged me my pleasure,
And then you rose,
Washed and dressed, then left,
Never even kissing me goodbye.
When I finally got in touch,
After so many unanswered calls,
You said that you were drunk,
That, although I was kind,
The wine made me more
Desirable than I really was.
You said it was a mistake,
That you were sure there was
Some woman who might want me,
Maybe.
“Don’t call me anymore”
Why would I want to,
When all I was to you
Was an organ to ride?
Thanks for reminding me
What I always try to forget.
This is why I never go out.
It’s better to be lonely
Than used and discarded.
When will I ever learn.

Happy Mother’s Day?

I got to go to lunch with my kids and their mom. It wasn’t my idea, mind you, I was looking forward to a day by myself. Her car wouldn’t start and her husband is at work 60 miles away in Lincoln, so I got invited to lunch since I have a working car. She claimed that she was going to invite me anyway, but we know that’s bullshit since it was never mentioned until her car broke down.

We went to a Mongolian grill. It was OK. Nothing to write home about. Conversation was decent, mostly with the kids. Still, there was a level of comfort there that hasn’t been there before. Still, I don’t like her much, but at least I can stand her.

When I went to drop them home, she asked our daughter to come spend the rest of the day with her. She told my son she’d have him over some other time. This has become so common that I don’t even know why I let it upset me. Oh, I don’t know , maybe because it’s fucking MOTHER’S DAY!

She blows him off all the time. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she makes bullshit excuses. It’s enough to make me want to

Why do I suddenly have this urge to get high? I haven’t smoked that stuff in decades. Gagh!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you baby bearers out there. I’m sure you truly deserve the best today, unlike someone I can think of.

A Message From The Dead – A Skeptic’s Last Words to The World

Phil Plait blogged about Derek today.  Derek was a skeptic who I never knew, nor herd of, until today.  He died of cancer May 3rd and he left a final message on his blog.  Please, go and read it.  It embodies everything I believe about living my daily life, which is; never take anything for granted, enjoy every moment, and always tell those you love that you love them, as often as you can.

This life, as far as anyone can tell, is all that we have.  The people in our lives are what give it meaning, and it is to the people in our lives that we will leave our legacy.  Once we die, we will live on in thier memoires, the stories they will tell about us, the influence that we had upon them. 

I lost my father in 1992, my sister in 1997, and my mother in 1999.  They all died suddenly and I never got to say goodbye to any of them, but I had no regrets because I always kept in touch, and I always let them know that I loved them.  I learned more from these loses about living day-to-day than anything else in my life. 

You never know when you, or someone you love, might be taken from this life.  Cherish every moment you have with those that you love, and tell them and show them, as often as you can, that you love them and value them.  It will be your legacy to them and it will enrich thier lives more than you can imagine.

I will leave you by quoting Phil Plait, who quoted Slau, who quoted Warren Zevon:  “Enjoy every sandwich.”

The Proper Diagnosis – 35 Years Late

From Wikipedia:

“Bipolar II disorder is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by at least one hypomanic episode and at least one major depressive episode; with this disorder, depressive episodes are more frequent and more intense than manic episodes. It is believed to be under-diagnosed because hypomanic behavior often presents as high-functioning behavior. Those with Bipolar II are at highest risk of suicide among the bipolar spectrum. Hypomania in Bipolar II may manifest itself in disorganized racing thoughts, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, or all of the above combined. Because these agitated symptoms are negative, it may be difficult to distinguish a Bipolar II manic state from depression.”

That last sentence is the really important one.  After seeing a psychiatrist today, it seems that I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression for years.  She said that people with bipolar II can go from normal to hypomanic, and because there may be no depressive episodes for years, they may not even be aware that anything is wrong.  Since I was a teenager I used to have periods where I would be energized, up all night, reading, writing, or whatever.  I could go for a week or more with only a couple hours sleep a night.  This kind of thing has happened ever since.  I just thought that it was my mind racing, that I just couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming, so I’d just stay up and read, watch TV, or go on the computer.  

For the past 14 years, I’ve had depressive episodes. Some lasted week or months.  I was diagnosed with depression about 12 or so years ago and treated as such.  It wasn’t until just recently, after my primary care doctor added a new depression medication, that I started having wild mood swings, from hypomanic to crushing depression, sometimes all in one day.  Apparently, if you take too high a dose of anti-depressant, you can have these hypomanic episodes more often and they will be stronger, as will the depressive episodes.  So I guess it is a good thing this happened since I now have a good diagnosis and I am starting on a mood stabilizer, which also treats the depression that comes with the bi-polar disorder. 

It will take about a month before the real effects will be seen.  We are removing one of the anti-depressants.  Not only was it not needed, that, in combination with the other anti-depressant can cause high blood pressure.  Not good.  I suppose that’s why family doctors shouldn’t be prescribing psychogenic medications